A year without the sun……

As I sit here typing you this post, I picture several things in my head. One being someone so special to me, but is not related by blood.



As you, the readers, know my blog posts are usually about the things that happen in my life, starting from high school. The blog I wrote a year ago, August 14, 2012, was about this person. About how much she changed my life, without me even knowing it.

I’ll start with a simple memory that I know several people I know can relate too.

In my high school hallway on the third floor my groups of friends use to sit down for lunch and complain and rant about people, teachers and life. This hallway was a rectangle. we sat at one of the shortest sides, with our backs to those light grey/ blue lockers and face the white brick walls with high rectangle windows. Some of us were not so lucky when we would get hit in the eyes with the sun most of the time. Well……it looks something like this…….

Image Before you ask, yes it is pink bubble wrap and yes it was our spring finals week stress reliever!


What I want right meow

Hello people of the blogging world and my stalkers on facebook & Meetme!

I decided to write this post because:

A. I’m not blunt enough to say what I want or need


B. I’m actually pretty shy O///O

So enjoy my list of needs/ wants/ would loves etc…..

1. I would like an ice machine in my dorm please.

2. I’m looking for a mate, not a boyfriend.

3. I’m unsure of how to approach the person I like, even when we hang out.

4. I’m extremely shy, but I have my bold moments.

5. I believe in closing your eyes when you kiss someone.

6. I would love to be swept off my feet.

7. I would love to receive flowers from someone who likes/ admires me.

8. Favorite features on the Male race: Eyes.

9. You know I’m going to be bitchy if I keep a straight face and then get a cocky grin on my face and run my tongue over one of my k9’s.

10. Wrapping your arm’s around me, will most likely make my heart pound.

11. I hate being called sexy, hott, etc. Learn to be unique and then attempt to talk to me.

12. I hate when people lie to my face, when I know the relative truth.

13. I’ve been in love twice and I will N E V E R regret it.

14. Heartbreak made me stronger.

15. I love having my hair played with.

16. I love to softly pet whoever is cuddling with me in bed :3.

17. I hate waiting for a reply to a text message to that special someone. I either think I’ve done something wrong OR the person doesn’t like me anymore.

18. I’m unsure about how someone feels about me until they tell me 100 times and show it.

19. I need a man to know how to do stuff, plumbing, building, cars, etc.

20. I need someone to challenge me in a relationship.

21. I’m self-conscious about my body and some parts.

22. Every now and then I get cocky and know that I influence the male race ;D.

23. My mother’s death affects me more then I let on.

24. I need someone who can tell when I’m sad, even if my face doesn’t show it.

25. When someone hugs me when I’m upset, sad or frustrated. I will cry. I hate that, but need it.

26. I’m not really a lazy person.

27. I love walking around with that special someone.

28. If I poke you, it means I’m showing you affection and I’m unsure of how to communicate it without being rejected.

29. I feel like my weight is holding me back from finding my mate.

30. I feel like I’m annoying him and it makes me sad when I can’t tell.

31. I’m confused almost all the time.

32. I’m very perceptive of other people.

33. I’ve never had a romantic dinner date.

34. I love getting dressed up in a dress and  high heels, but again issues with my body.

35. I wear makeup, because I think it brings out my eyes and lips.

36. I get complimented a lot, but I question whether someone means it or not.

37. I fight with myself for a few hours on whether or not to ask if I’m annoying someone.

38. I usually can’t tell you what I want.

39. I get really worried when I’m not sure if the person feels the same way I do.

40.  I love playing with my dog because it allows me to forget life.

41. I can be called beautiful and pretty a million times and not believe it.

42. I trust people too easily sometimes.

43. If you fuck up in my book, you’re out of my life.

44. I have one best friend, who was a huge crush, and now we don’t talk. I hate that.

45. I love it when I can talk with someone for a few weeks, but then it kind of goes dead. What did I do?

46. Most of my exs lost interest in me.

47. I want to help people.

48. I hate my feet, they are just…no…..

49. I feel that if I love and give that someone enough of me, then they won’t need anyone else.

50. I just want a damn mate. Not a “fun” relationship. something serious and worthwhile. 

51. If I think you’re annoyed with me, I will try really hard not to text you until you text/ call me.

52. I prefer calling vs. texting. I love voices.

53. For some reason I think I need a lot of different perfumes…..I don’t…but I love it so!

54. I love receiving jewelry, silver. gold if it is something special to someone.

55. If you think my Facebook post is about you, it most likely is and I’m trying to communicate with you and give you hints.

56. Night and Nite are different in my texting. If I send you night or good night, you’re fine and I’m content. If it’s Nite, then I’m wanting to know what you’re feeling for me/ I could be upset also.

57. I hate when someone tries hard to get you, then once they have you it all goes away. I’m not afraid to walk away.

58. I’ve been broken and no one fixed me. 

I fixed myself.

59. My first true love bought me roses and since then I haven’t been able to like them, but I’m starting to again.

60. I like getting little gifts from someone special. It means they thought of me.

61. I love receiving small kisses, just means so much more.

62. If I tell you “I love you” I mean it.

63. I’m scared that no one will really love me or be able to handle me.

64. I want someone to N O T give up on me for once.

65. I currently love the songs :

Free to be me by Francesca Battistelli 


Love like Woe- The Ready Set.

66. I love getting songs dedicated to me, even if that’s how you tell me how you feel.

67. You have to be able to joke with me and not take life seriously. This means I like you.

68. the songs I listen to are usually how I feel. Those are words I normally can’t say out loud, due to be shy or rejection.

70. Yes. I know I skipped 69 :P.

71. I’m so jealous to see my friends happy in relationships, getting engaged or married. Because I wont have that for a long time.

72. I’m scared that I won’t find anyone willing to put up with me.

73. I wonder what  I look like to you. What about me stands out above the rest.

74. I missing having someone around to hold me and love me almost all the time.


75. I just want to be happy and hold on to it.

I hope you enjoyed this.

I take blog requests!

The 1 year of pain

I never thought growing up that I would be without my mom. I defiantly did a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have, but who hasn’t right? *sigh* Well it’s been a year already.

March 1, 2012

I was in my club office on March 2, 2012. I was having a pretty good day and kind of playing around on facebook.

My father texts me, like he normally would. He text me,” He you should come out of your dorm”

My first thought was really excited, you know, my dad is here! yay!, but as I walk across campus I remember all my dad had prepped me for for the last 3 years.

My stomach absolutly drops. I feel cold. I start to go numb in thinking, what is he doing here? why did he come down randomly without telling me.

In that moment I knew my entire world would shatter that one tiny string I had to my old life.

As I approached my dad’s truck he got out and asked how I was. I said I was okay. It took him a second to say,” Well I came down because I thought it would be better if I told you in person. Your mother passed away yesterday. I’m so sorry.”

It took 10 seconds to hit. I started crying my eyes out as he pulled me into a hug and stroked my back and just let me cry. 

I don’t remember how long I cried but when I pulled backed I couldn’t look at him. He told me to go pack, he was taking me home for the rest of the week.

I persisted and said no I’m fine, I can’t miss my classes. Well that fake smile apparently didn’t work. He said I was coming home and I didn’t have a choice. So I went into my dorm  and told my roommate at the time what had happened. I sent emails to my professors telling them about my situation.

Grabbed all the stuff I needed and returned to my dad’s truck.

The ride was really awkward, I mean what do you say in a situation like this?

When we got down cabbage hill we met with my brother at the gas station by his work. He knew and he seemed to teeter on what happened. I mean we were expecting it to happen any week, yet we were so unprepared for the feeling.

My dad talked to us about what to do with the ashes. Ty and I were at a loss for words and we just nodded and said we’ll figure it out.

When I got home I just kind of did nothing. I played games online, watched tv.

Anything to keep me numb, to keep me from crying more then I needed to. I thought that if I was numb enough, I wouldn’t cry later on. That it would be fine if I held in what I felt.

It felt like a whirlwind was centering itself in my chest, throwing rocks and trying to break out. My mind raced at every turn. My family looked at me in pity and they were helpless to do anything. 

My grandma called me and she apologized and told me good memories about my mom. My dad’s girlfriend, who I view as a mother figure, couldn’t say much. She actually cried with me for a little bit. She said she would be a wreck when her mother passes and she couldn’t even imagine how it feels.

As the rest of the week ( which was like 2 days) passed by, I returned to EOU on Sunday. Returning to classes on Monday and most importantly a psychology exam.

Long story short, the professor who said he didn’t care what happened or what I did, I wasn’t going to pass his class, is a total asshole. How can you be a psychology professor and NOT treat people with sympathy????!

Never again will I take a class from you again.

March 1, 2013

1 year ago she died. I still can’t believe it. I know I’m going to be really iffy on that Friday, which was the first, so I warn people I know. Scott, one of my best friend’s says to come over whenever and curl up on the couch and watch him play Skyrim. 

I didn’t end up at Scott’s until the end of the night, before my radio show. 

I went through all my classes that day, without having to leave of focus on her.

What I’ve learned so far:

Even though it’s only been a year I’ve learned so much. I look back at my high school photos and think,” I wonder if she was proud of me..”

I knew she called my dad every now and then, but not what he told her.

When I was dating my ex from Gresham, I stayed at his house for a month for christmas break.

I brought him to meet her and to see my mom, since I hadn’t seen her in a year. We talked and she always told me that my brother and myself were her angels.

I brought my mom a penguin hugging a blanket, because I knew she couldn’t regulate her body temperature that well. So I gave it to her as a christmas gift. She had a picture of my brother, his wife and their son. then a picture of me.

It always hurt going to see her. I knew the fate that awaited her and so did she but she kept saying,”I’m going to get better and go get  a job”.

How can you tell someone you love so much and you treated so bad when you were young that she can’t even get out of the rehab center she was in. 

How can someone so sick make me regret so much of my life, but still love me in the end.

It took 6 days for me to fall apart.

I hold everything and finally just let everything out all at once. I’ve let me regret, my pain, my suffering, my helplessness and everything else leak out.

This is why I am writing this blog now, and not on the official  date of my mother’s passing.

I felt nothing that day. I thought I had everything under control, but I was wrong. 

I am a great actress, but I can only smile and say I’m fine so many times in my life.

I’m not okay.

I know I can’t change what happened and I know I can’t apologize for everything I did. 

I just want to know if she was proud of the woman I’ve become. I’ve changed everything about myself over the years. I’m highly cold to people who want to play games and gossip. I barely have sympathy for the basics of daily life, (I’m late etc).

I’m tired of being hurt, so I never get attached to those I date. Or I feel like I love them, but when it’s over, I feel nothing.

I feel at a loss for words and feelings at this point.

It’s hard to see others with their moms and how they function on a daily basis. or the people who get made that their parents don’t get them the right stuff.

So many people will finally understand how much it hurts to lose their parents after they are married, have kids and a life.

I will never get the satisfaction of having a true mother of the bride moment.

my mother can’t pass any history or family type advice along.

I can’t have bonding time, besides mourning.

I don’t have a shoulder to cry on when I need to bitch about my life.

No true wedding dress shopping.

She can’t watch me walk down the isle when I marry the person of my dreams, (yeah like that will happen ha!)

I’m missing my best friend, a stranger, a mother or the wise historian. 

I’m missing all these pieces from my life, I can replace the mother figure, but I miss out on the memories so many of you create with your parents.

Don’t take life for granted, you never know when the last thing you say to people really is the last. 

I’m great at holding grudges, but honestly, don’t do it. It’d wasted time in your life.

Be there when someone cries or needs the support. Let people know you are hurting. Don’t flaunt it.

Don’t hold emotions in, it will only wreck havoc later on and during a really bad time.

Love. Love with everything you have, it doesn’t matter if you get hurt or if they don’t love you back.

Let go of the past. It doesn’t matter how much it hurts. Let it go. These are weights holding you under the water, eventually you will drown. 

Smile at everyone you see. your smile might be the one thing that makes someone days.

and always, 

Push forward. Exceed what you think you can accomplish. Do things out of the cube, (my version of “out of the box”).

Learn from your mistakes,

Live, love, forgive,

forget, grow, learn,

dance, dream, accomplish,

cry, hug, sing, read,

push forward………

Another term down. By a Second year college student.

As the weather quickly took a dump on the Eastern Oregon University campus, it became apparent to so many freshman that their lives are starting to take off.

While I am a second year and I know what to expect, (most of the time :<), I didn’t expect to isolate myself as much.

My financial aid was totally screwed up toward the middle on Fall term, which made me move to the Upper class men “residence hall”, which is alright, I detest moving though!

Now this upper class men dorm is apartment style, which means full kitchen! without the microwave :/. But there are four bedrooms and two bathrooms. When you first walk into our suite to the left is the kitchen. Upon that there are two bedrooms to the left and right of the suite. Luckily the girl who is on the same side as me, doesn’t really live here, so I get the bathroom to myself…..well okay my boyfriend is here a lot so I share space with him too.

The two on the other side are really cool, one is pregnant and leaving this term sadly while the other is a senior, who is graduating this year.

So let’s see…….we have 4 people in the suite. two are moving out…..dear god I have 2 empty rooms…..which will probably be filled…….grrrreat!

On top of all of this, it’s finals week. As I will be passing all classes with Bs and Cs It’s still stressful and so funny to watch people freak out, haha!


Luckily I haven’t had anything bad happen this term…yet ugh!

My mother passed away in the middle of winter term and my friend also passed away right before I went off to EOU.

As sad as I am about both of this people who meant so much, I know there are people who have it so much worse then I do.

It’s going to be a sad and long Christmas for everyone who have lost someone in some way, I understand :3 Keep smiling though, even if you don’t get what you want to Christmas. Be thankful for what you have on this earth right here and right now!


Oh the rantings of a college student…..I don’t know why I’m writing this!

happy finals and happy holidays…..or whatever doesn’t offend you!

Celebrate life, even in the darkest hours…..

August 14,2012-The morning

The day started out like most of my summer days. I woke up and got dressed in my clothes I use to work in and grabbed my ipod and my dad’s ring of keys.

My mission: retrieve the mail from the Post office.

On my way to get the mail I walked passed a house that an old man lived in, My dad works with one of his youngest relatives. While I was walking I glanced several times at the open little property that he has, but I saw something strange.

The old man was laying on the ground. Now I’ve seen him lay down on the ground before, so I thought to myself if he is here when I get back from the post office I’ll go ask if he’s okay. It didn’t even take me 5 minutes to get the mail when I returned to the house. I walk over to the old man and start talking to him with all the respect I can. but what I said to him made him laugh.

“It’s a little hot to be taking a nap outside on the dry ground”. He laughed and I asked him if he needed help up and that I wouldn’t mind helping him at all. Being a heavy set woman I should have been able to get him up, but sadly I had to run next door to get his daughter to help me get him up. When she was thanking me repeatedly I thought of who I just would have made proud.

B r a n d h a g n .


I’ve known Amyjane since high school and many of the fond memories I have with Amy was our senior year, which was filled with indoor picnics in the hallways, tea parties & yes PINK bubble wrap popping sessions. 

What you really need to know about Amy is that she was free spirited, loved everyone, could never stay mad, she had a close connection with God and the higher powers of her faith. She was one of the most innocent women that I knew and so clueless something we all worried heavily about her. She forgave people for the worst things and carried on like nothing would ever make me have less faith in people.

How odd was it that I thought of how proud Amyjane would be of me for my good citizen deed of the week.  It had been a little while since I had talked to my friend, but the last time I did talk to her she had just gotten back from her mission which included going to somewhere she always wanted to go,


Amy always wanted to work with the children and educate them on the powers of the lord and how loved they all are. This followed through in her character in all aspects. She loved her mission so much should couldn’t stop talking about it. I was so happy that my friend had the chance to do what she loved even if having faith in the lord wasn’t my thing.

August 14, 2012- That night

I had received a call from one of the close friends that I had in high school, I mean we had a small group of 5 girls including myself. I wasn’t near my phone at the time but when I checked my missed call and called back her mom answered. 

When someone says they have something important to tell you in a sad voice, your stomach drops right? I felt so sick to my stomach I thought I was going to lose my dinner. I talked to her mom and she said they would be out to my house when my friend came back from a run. By this time I knew which friend they were talking about and I knew the worst had happened. I cried so hard my dad looked really scared and not knowing what to do he held me as I told my mother (who was Amy’s art teacher) what my friend’s mom had told me.

When my friend reached my house we automatically reached for each other and hugged so tight and cried like never before. We knew in that moment that someone so sweet and so innocent and forgiving was gone. When it should have been one of us, so she could continue her work.

My dad walked out onto our deck where my friend, her mom and I stood. He said something that totally shocked me.

“This is the first of many and people will be talking about this, you both just became your own support group”.

As much as I knew my dad hated to show emotions, he was at a loss for his daughter so distraught and confused. When my friend was in my room and we sat there with tear soaked eyes and just thinking about the memories we had, we laughed several times and said how much we were going to miss her. We still couldn’t believe it was her of all people to be gone.

Over the next week- All events

As the grieving was running deep in the people of Pendleton Oregon, you can only imagine the rumors and gossip that ran through town. Facebook was a total trap with the awful stuff people were saying. I had people I knew reporting to me what they heard and what they felt and thought, my friend wasn’t prepared for what people were saying but I did my best to prep her. But like everyone else she eventually couldn’t stand it anymore.

I had a few people call me instead of following all the gossip. Because I couldn’t release any information I could only tell them a little. I was sick about what people were saying had happened.

My boyfriend had come down to help support me in the loss and even accompanied me to a memorial BBQ that friends of Amy had put together in a day or two. I had received hugs from people all over the place and my friend and her boyfriend, her mom and sister even showed up for a little bit. But we had arrangements to go to dinner and relax and try to feel better about our beloved friend. After telling everyone goodbye for the 10th time we finally left to go to Joe’s restaurant on Main Street in Pendleton. 

We sat and talked and laughed and smiled for the first time in a day or so. It was good to have a small family dinner, but the reality was still creeping up on us all.

August 21, 2012- Amyjane Memorial 9AM-11AM

I had woken up to thunder, lightning and rain. The things Amy loved most. Everyone knew it was a sign she was here with us all.

Everyone was instructed to wear bright colors, because Amy would have hated the drab greys and blacks. Wearing a bright tie dye shirt, my owl necklace, my rainbow candies neck lace, the dog tag I made for Amy and her choker that we had traded for a long time ago (Still can’t remember the necklace she had of mine D:). My straight red hair and my kitty ears, all the things Amy loved for me to wear. I walked into the chapel with all the memorial stuff and it hit me.

This isn’t a joke. Amy is not going to pop out of the door and say we suck at playing clue. This was our reality and we had to accept it. With tears brimming in my eyes I got up and looked around for people I knew. I stood in a group of two of my guy friends and talked waiting for my friend and her family to get there. It wasn’t until I saw my other friend Nadia, that the tears finally came.

Nadia was rushed from Finland to Pendleton to attend the memorial and in those few moments I knew no matter what Amy wasn’t going to come back. Everything in me cracked and I wanted to scream with anger and depression. Everything in me wanted to calm down and smile for Amy because she would be comforting us if she could.

I sat with my friend Jacky and her family during the memorial. There were so many people that outside chapel they had to put out seats while people were filling the halls. They had people standing up and speaking about Amy and called her free spirited = trouble, at least that’s what the YWAM LA leader had said when viewing her application. They mentioned that she N E V E R wore shoes. Which was sooooo beyond true. 

The trinket I gave all my girls were stuffed owls that I had made the night before. For one, I was bored and two, I had made a small little owl to put into the Memory box that Jacky had arranged later in the day for Amy. So all the girls were connected no matter where they went. I walked around and talked to people I knew, people I didn’t know, people I’ve seen but never talked to. They almost always said the same thing.

Been better, Been worse.

After talking and seeing people I took photos of the memorial on stage for Amy’s friends and family that could not make it. Because Amy’s friends reached across the globe from the US to Finland, to France, to Moldova, India and many locations that I cannot pronounce. That is one thing Amy did, she connected people, even if they didn’t get along. Like the guy in France who went to school with us. We never got along, but Amy was our connector in our time of mourning.

Memory Box event- Aug 21

So after running around with my mama Gia, she dropped me off at my friend Chelsea’s house to wait for the Memory box event to start. When I got there a few other friends of mine were there such as Phyllis and Alan. So for once I had the chance to smile and laughed a little bit. When the time came, Chella and I went to Rice Park where Jacky and her boyfriend set up Amy’s art work and had a journal to sign in and write final memories. 

Chella and I stayed to chat with Jacky and just help out whenever needed. The event was a success. We had the chance to talk with Taylor who we haven’t seen in ages and Rachelle. Chella wasn’t feeling good so I left with Rachelle and grabbed jack in the box and talked about anything, mainly Sherrilyn Kenyon. After our snack we went to a few stores and bought stuff to finally go to her house to pick up the boys. Which happen to be adorable black male pugs, Wyatt and Dalton. We went up to the park we use to go to during Senior year. This park is an upper class kind of park that has a huge spinning climbing thingy, yes I know I’m descriptive. but we laid on there and played with the boys until Rachelle’s Twin called and brought her dog Mookie down, who is also a black pug but a lot older then the boys.I had asked my boyfriend to try to come down because I needed his support through all of this.

He called to ask where to meet up, so we decided on meeting at Pioneer park where the memorial BBQ had taken place. Being able to meet us there we talked for a little bit, but Phil wanted to eat, unfortunately we didn’t have the time to eat, because the candlelight ceremony was going to start.

Candlelight Ceremony at Roy Riley park 8PM

When Phil and I arrived people were all over the place. The rock styled stage had a podium and chairs for the speakers, Jacky was going to speak, so I knew I was going to cry. The had rainbow balloons, bubble blowers and even chalk all the way in the back of the park where the ice rink floor was that people could draw on. With Phil, Rachelle, Chella, Mackenzie and even Josh beside me I told myself I wouldn’t cry.

But when Jacky had gotten up to read a poem and her voiced cracked a few times, I lost it. When any of my girls cry I do, sad fate for all of us. When all the people had gotten done speaking they slowly lit candles, Some people had to help others light their own candles. In that moment I felt the love and fear, the loss and the need of every person within the park. With the candles being lit, the wind picked up blowing several candles out.

I grabbed my ipod touch and walked around and took photos and then I decided a video. For all the people in the world Amy had touched, I did what she did, I expressed myself in Art. I had my own candle lit that never blew out once as I walked around the wide half circle of people who saw me and held their candles up or out to form. I saw faces, I saw tears, I saw sadness and worry, but I also saw a connection in which the community has never seen before. People who did not know Amyjane was here for her. For her family who has to deal with the pain and worries.


I was choked up with emotion when I realized that this didn’t just touch Pendleton Oregon, it reached across the globe. A candle was lit in France and Prospect Oregon & I’m sure all over the place for Amy. 

I asked internally if she was happy that everyone was here, as my candle started to flicker it stopped and I laughed slightly at what I asked of her. I continued to ask questions and my candle flickered non stop but didn’t go out.

When the ceremony was over and everyone started to leave Phil looked up and said look at the moon. The golden harvest moon was hung low that night and it reminded me of Amy. How beautiful and vibrant she was. All the things she loved happened that night and it was a good close to the services and mourning of our beloved

Amyjane Nicole Brandhagen.


This is written in my voice and thoughts of the dreadful week. I talked to many people from all over the world and shared in the mourning and loss of someone so innocent and so kind. The fact that she couldn’t finish her work is a great loss to everyone she has touched in her 19 years. I for one will never forget her in any shape, way or form. I know my mother is watching over her and thinking what did you leave me to watch over. 

I loved Amy for her purity and the fact that she tried to right every wrong she thought she had done. When she set her mind to something she would figure it out and do it. She is someone I look up to and regret not being able to connect with her after graduation but I know she does not blame me at all. 

I’ve had people tell me time heals all wounds and I guess eventually it will, but right now the wounds are so fresh and ache that I will dwell on the loss for sometime, but in turn it will help me guild me choices in life.

In the end I can be furious with whoever did this to Amy, but I know she would tell me to forgive and forget. Being who I am and being so out there that people look at me weird is one thing, but this is another. There is nothing more that I wanted then to have Amy safe.

So being an DJ for Eastern Oregon Universities 91.7 KEOL radio station I vowed to play a song every time I am on air. The song I chose was Taylor Swift feat. the Civil war- Safe & sound.

With that I want to remind you to even in grieving remember the good about a person, when they are gone, they are always with us. You’re never along.

Thank you for reading and I’m always open to writing about any topic.

questions or comments can be sent to my email:



The readers! :)

This is for you!

the people who read what I write.

I want you to contact me and tell me what events in life you would loooooove! for me to talk about! I’ve been through a lot in life and I think I can write about anything. or even if it’s your story and you have no idea how to write it!

please tell me what you want me to write about! I’ve said a lot about me and if you want me to say more I will I just need to know what you would love me to say It appeals to me very much.

My entire goal in life is to help people, so let me help you.

help me!!!

My best friend

I would like to talk about my inspiration, my walls, my best friend in the world.

What is it about a person that makes you love them? Is it that they have your back no matter what? Is it that they seem cool?

That’s not the case for me. I’m original in so many ways and common in only a few ways. But my best friend is someone who I’ve known my entire life. She’s the best person in the world to me.

Her favorite color is green

She loves to draw and wear some rather funky things.

My mother is my best friend. Even though I’ve lied to her, I’ve stolen, yelled at and almost always never really appreciated her. My mother is my world, only I can never really get the chance to see her.

My father and mother got a divorced when I was really young. I lived with my mother and grandfather and my elder brother with my father. Through middle school I became a rebel, and started hanging out with the wrong crowd. I did things I should have never done, but I can’t change that now.

My freshman year of high school I was failing out badly. The excuse I have for that is I was taking care of my mother and grandfather. My mother had since lost her job about 3 years prior. Little did anyone know that she had a brain tumor. My grandfather use to touch my chest and nothing more, I forever saw it as abuse. I had told my mother but because we had no where else to go, I resented my mother for not stopping it or changing it.

This was before my mother brain tumor, and not her first either. Her brain tumor controlled what she did. She would stand in one area for hours and not move. Her bowel movements would happen at random times. She was going blind in one eye.

I never valued my mother until I moved in with my father my freshman year. My father always makes me feel like I should pity her, but I know better. My mother made me the strong person I am today. Little did I know her unknown life lessons would affect me today. I went through a lot of rough changes when I arrived at my dad’s house. His ex-wife (finally) was a cruel…witch(we know that’s not what I want to say) she was like a slave driver. She treated my family like  crap. She made it tough for me to really be a kid.

My mother was always there for me to call and talk to. She was my best friend for a long time. She’ll always be there for me. But what I didn’t expect was for my mother to go through so many surgeries. But how many times can they drug you and cut your skull open until you can’t think straight anymore. This is the issue I’m dealing with. I know my mother’s death is coming, maybe not soon but it’s there. My worst fear is my mother dying before I can see her.

The reason I wrote this was to  help people in close situations. Your not alone. I’m open to talking to anyone or help with grieving. Your parents are precious and special. They care for you and love you, and for people who don’t have that I’m truly sorry. I hope you’ve found someone to look up to as a guardian.

I’m so envious of the people who have both parents. I’ve always wanted a normal life, and I don’t think I’ll ever see one. But I know that if I had a normal life, I wouldn’t be like this. Cherish who you are as a human. It doesn’t matter if your different and unsure. That’s life shaking you to realize your potential. Not matter what realize you are strong and you are unique and never give that up. I’m proud to write to people like this. I just hope someone reads my blogs and can relate to them in some aspect. 

Live to be who you are,

Celebrate what you’re not,

Dance to be unique,

Never strive to be common,

Let what you want lead you to your life,

it’s only a matter of time. 

Dream fledglings, dream.