You know what? Depression is a living and breathing thing. It lives in all of us. Whether it’s due to mental health issues, traumatic life events, death, loss, breakups, of it not having a purpose. We have all experienced it. We have all fallen pray to it and we’ve stayed there for months on end. Waiting & hoping that something… that someone would come along and fix us. But we aren’t broken. We aren’t damaged. We are strong beings, who bare the weight of this dark presence.
The blank stare. The muted surroundings. The shallow breathing. You see everything… but you see nothing. Nothing can hold your interest. Driving and blanking out your favorite song on the radio, noticing the red flashing stop light but not really seeing it, but able to follow street laws. Everything feels numb. You feel like a shell. Sunken into yourself. You know people are noticing you, but you really don’t care. It is an intense and important part of depression. For me personally, I should add.
I’m someone who constantly self critiques. I self analyze myself and my actions. I’m always trying to improve my methods and trying to be a better person. I know I’m not much of a humanitarian, I’m not someone everyone should look up too, & I’m not someone who would seem to succeed. But I try. I keep getting back up, dusting myself off, Flipping off those who live to beat me down & I do better. Every single time. This is a part of fighting off depression for me. To know that I can do better. Be better.
But. Not everyone can pull themselves out of the dark abyss so easily. blogs, poetry, music, dancing, talking to strangers. Anything can help, but you need to find that one thing that drives you. That carries you from the ashes, and helps you set your feet on the ground, even if it’s a toe. Run babe, run.
Depression can be so beautiful and so creative. On the opposite side of things, I can be deadly too. It feels so simple to smile and laugh with people. To genuinely mean the smile you are showing, but knowing that once you are alone, everything breaks. Not knowing the reason. Not knowing how to fix it. But maybe it isn’t something we can fix. Does this make you feel like you are well and truly broken? It’s just another fragment of who you are. Use it to your advantage to the best of your abilities. If it means just smiling around people. Doing something to make someone smile. Anything. But do it for you.
Tonight I was reminded why I am still here. Why I fought. Why I’m alive,even though it was so much easier…to not exist anymore.
You know, depression isn’t something that is new to me. I struggled with it for years. Mainly in high school, but also in middle school. It was something I had to learn to adapt to. How to manipulate it enough to push it away for a few hours. Learning to smile in front of people, even when I wanted to tear myself apart. When I just wanted to stay in a room away from everyone else. Not talking to anyone, but having the desire of people to talk to.
It’s been 2 years since I graduated college. 6 years since I graduated high school. Good god what happened? While I am 23 I don’t really call myself an “adult” per se. Yes, I got my degree and no, I’m not using it yet. I have a good job, could use benefits *cough cough*, I have a car, I rent a house with my fiance (of almost 5 years now). My life is stable. Which is more than I can say for most of my life.
I’ve become and overall more stable and happy person as time has gone on. Where I used to not cry at romantic movies or scenes in animes (Yuri!!! on Ice killed me), I now cry at them. Moving from being a teenage to “adulthood” has been a huge change. But I think it has been a good one. I’m not saying I haven’t struggled….because, honestly I do. Everyday. If not with my situation, then with who I am as a person.
The last few days I realized I’ve been strangely depressed. That doesn’t mean I can’t smile and have a good time with my coworkers or my pharmacist. Overall, it just means……I feel like I’m lacking something important. Since I moved to Moscow, Idaho…it’s been a struggle. I dislike Idaho and they are like 15 years behind the times y’all.
We had snow for roughly 2 weeks straight. While it is slowly melting, we do have ice on the sidewalks and huge potholes in the streets. It could be my vitamin D levels dropping, but it is most likely my Monthly cycle telling me that my emotions are about to go haywire. I have never liked the cold, so being in a place where it’s been a high of 39 degrees….it kinda zaps me. I have friends online that I’m with almost nightly and they are all so fun hangout with. I’ve gotten so close to people from all over the world it’s funny While I have friends online, I haven’t made new ones here in Idaho. I have a few fun coworkers who I joke around with, but no true friends.
Being from Portland, Oregon….you can say I’m missing the rain.
The calming watery drops exploding on contact with windows, cars, building, asphalt. They come in a variety of shapes and strengths. Some people get depressed from the rain, while I get depressed in the snow (stupid white crap). I miss getting soaked by the cold and sometimes warm rains of Western Oregon. I miss the coast mainly I think. I feel so rejuvenated by the crashing of the waves hitting such jagged rocked cliffs. Feeling the gritty granules of sand between my toes and on my legs. My hair is wavy but gets super wavy with the salty air of the ocean nearby. Makeup never goes on right either 😛
I know all the things I need to make myself feel better. Yet, they are so far away. With no time or money to go visit. I guess that’s the idea of being an adult right? Having to work crazy hours, or opposite shifts from your significant otter…yes I did mean to type otter. Of all the things I’ve gone through and come out of…I’ve learned to forgive and forget. To move on. People change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. I change. Every day I’m trying to be a better person. To push myself further, even if just by an inch. I have so much love to give and I’m ready to shed tears for those who cannot get out of their situations. I’m ready to listen to myself and everyone around me. Being an empath can be tough, as I’m influenced by people’s emotions or auras (what emotions they throw off).
I know my depression is trying to keep my trapped here. Trying to keep me from doing better. From being better. But I learned long ago…that medications….don’t help. They are a temporary wall from the real issues at hand. I learned that I have to push myself to get over it. It will A L W A Y S be there. It won’t go away…..but that’s fine. It’s just as much a part of me as my eye color or my feet.
So. Maybe this blog post doesn’t make sense to you. That’s okay. That just means you don’t understand MY depression like I do. You probably understand yours a lot better then I will. Because we live it. We breathe it. It is us. Everything that we are. One small trait does not mean that is what we are. We have many that make us who we are. So I encourage anyone who is having a tough time, with anything. To write. To sing. To dance. To do anything that makes you so full of joy that for a few minutes you forget that your dark friend is with you. We as people need to strive to do better….even when depression descends upon us. Keep doing better. others might not see it, but that’s O K A Y. You will know what’s going on. No one has to understand you 100%. But listen to yourself. Understand what your mind and body are telling you. It might hurt, but being hurt is okay. Licking your wounds is okay. Be happy with who you are. What if you aren’t? Then you need to be working on changing what you are unhappy with. It won’t be an easy journey, but it’s not the journey that defines you….it’s how you handle it.
So kitties! I’ve moved!
From my home in Oregon to……..ugly ass Idaho. At least my part is kind of ugly. Moscow…..no Not Russia, I should hit the shit out of you, but Moscow, Idaho. My parents moved to Alaska roughly in April. Bastards. I’m crying! I’ve been abandoned! Mom’s photo from AK.
Aaaaanyways, I was down in Pendleton helping them pack and get ready for the moved almost every weekend for a month so I did spend sometime with them, though my mother bawled like a baby. With them gone and the Bunny (boyfriend for those who don’t know) who moved in September of last year, I was kind of alone. I was however working pretty hard in the pharmacy to become a Tech. I was talking to the Rx manager in Pullman,WA he said I needed to move within like 30 days so I can have the job at his Rx.
I made the move. And it fucking sucked. I despise moving. Let me correct myself, I despise moving my shit. I’m a solitary creator at heart. $600 later and popping as much OTC pain pills allowable, I hate it. Mind you I do have a Hot topic, Bed Bath & Beyond, Bath & Body works, and a panda express in one mall. Not to shabby. But I’m n Oregonian at heart. Born and raised I reckon. I do not pump my own gas……except…now I do…with the Bunny to supervise me. Have you seen the picture of the girl who looks like me from the side? No well ‘ll drop it below, I had friends asking if it was me. IT’S NOT! the Bunny even said it looked like me.
Oh on top of all this, I also needed to transfer from Oregon Board of Pharmacy to Washington. Which has to worst board fyi. I’m still waiting to work ad I’ve been here 2 weeks meow.
Anyways kitties that is my update for those, who might….or might not be paying attention.
I have a shit ton of social media sites for feel free to add me or message me…..or hey become a kitty fan!
Love you all…..don’t move to Idaho……
I received word about a week ago from my capstone professor that he will give me a C in my capstone series. I had to take an incomplete from spring term due to him and I fighting over my topic and how to approach the research for my project. An incomplete can be given from any professor that wishes for a student to work on papers or projects a little longer then their 10 week course schedule. This is strictly up to the professor and most of the time, students do not finish their work.
But I did. After a shit ton of work (not really), revisions and statistical analysis I happened to pass the course with a C. I’m not a hard working “A” student by any means, so I was so happy just to pass. I passed my last 2 classes with an A and a B which finished off my Anthropology degree.
However, through this stress I had a lot of other crap going on. I’ve worked as a cashier and training new associates for almost 2 years. Around December of last year I started working in the Pharmacy as a cashier, in hopes that I could possibly worm my way into getting my pharmacy technician certification. I passed the first half of the training and am currently working on how to do everything in the pharmacy. It is a very difficult job, when no one really has time to train you and you just fill stuff as fast as you can, not making a mistake and trying to ask for help when you have no clue what to do. It is a rewarding job in the fact that our regulars seem to enjoy us a lot and are familiar with our stories and journeys we are currently undergoing. It is perhaps the most stressful job I’ve had, but I know that I can travel just about anywhere I want to with the tech job. This is the main reason why I got it. With $40k of student loans hanging over my head,, I had ot find a job that will pay me well enough to pay my debts and survive. The biggest plus about this stressful Full time student and part time pharmacy tech, is m boyfriend. We will have been together for 4 years next year and he has been there for me through the darkest parts in my life.
He was there a month after my mother passed way from her brain tumors. I’d like to say I was prepared for it, but in the end there is nothing you can do to soften the impact of loss. He helped me over those hurdles. Not even a week or 3 before she passed way my fiance at that time broke up with me. We dated a few years prior, but the second time hurt a little more then the first. Dealing with all the loss and pain, he was there. He held me as I cried and helped me to build myself up again. A few months later my best friend was murdered. I called him and I told him about it and he was down to Pendleton in an hour (from La Grande). He held me as I cried and the probably the deepest void within me opened up from that experience. I have never felt such deep and dark despair in my life. On good days it isn’t too bad, but when I think of her I feel like a gaping hole is in my chest. That is something that will never go away and he volunteers to be the one to help me through it.
I’ve been burned in love for years. Mind you, I am 22 years old. I’m from Portland/ Gresham, Oregon and moved to Pendleton, Oregon my freshmen year of high school. I wanted what every teenager wanted, sex was one thing surrre. But I want a true and pure love. Someone to love me so completely that I never felt broken to begin with. You know? that feeling in your stomach when you start dating someone new. You are shy and it’s hard to look at them in the eye and you feel warm stirring in the pit on your stomach. It makes you float on air and feel weightless and nothing can bring you down. Besides, of course, heartbreak.
As I’ve gotten older I realized that my idea of pure love was very biased. It was unrealistic and unobtainable. I knew I wanted someone who thought I was their world and would do anything for me. But I know the universe works in the way of balances. If on sacrifices for you, then you need to reciprocate. Balance is everything.
Though my bunny has a job in Idaho and lives with his parents again I have decided to face my fears and try to move to Pullman, Wa or surrounding areas. He has sacrificed leaving La Grande and getting a good job and making connections for me. But since I graduated I really don’t have very many places to go. I need to get my certification for the pharmacy tech position and hopefully my transfer will go through alright.
The one thing I’ve learned about love has been compromise. I’m a dominate woman and I want everything my way. As you can tell this seems absolutely impossible to do right? So even though I am scared and I know I love my boyfriend and want to marry him some day, I know that I have to do something for him. I’ve held him back for 2 years and I don’t want to drag my feet anymore. I’ll give to him what he needs to make it in life as I hope he does the same for me.
Plus, I hate living alone.
I want to raise him up as far as I can to help him and I want him to do the same for me. We are young but we are able to move anywhere we need too. It wasn’t long ago that I said I would never marry. I knew no one would put up with my shit, bossiness, emotional issues, trust issues, etc. But, he found a way to make it work. He is always the first to apologize and the first one to forgive, which is something I need to work on. Through the last 3+ years we have grown in ways I never dreamed possible. It doesn’t make sense when we are apart, but together, everything fits into place.
It feels like forever ago that I had written something on my blog, but since I am graduating on June 13th I thought I’d share some insight into the life of an Anthropology student.
By no means am I the top student or the smartest. My mind works in the opposite direction then everyone else, but I seem to fit into Anthropology just fine :3.
Anthropology is the study of human’s across all time and space. This will sometimes include animals an almost always objects. Growing up, my father had my brother and I around World War Vets of all ages. We learned to sit and listen to the stories that we were told, which has proven so very helpful to both of us over the years. This was almost 17 years ago. Ill turn 22 June 14th and my brother will turn 30 on June 10th. So with 8 years between my brother and I, we both had similar experiences but took different things from this experience.
Throughout high school I wanted to be a nurse. My mother at the time had multiple brain tumors and I knew that I wanted to help people. For Oregon in general, you have to have straight A’s in all classes and that still does NOT give you a spot. After my first term at Eastern Oregon University, I knew that I would just waste money on trying to get good grades. While I talked to my nursing adviser she suggested taking a few random classes to quench my thirst for helping people. So I took a Sociology class, which tends to focus more on societies and world/social problems in populations. I clicked with my professor immediately and though I did not really like the idea of working on world problems, I knew this was the beginning of my new major.
So as I sat down this new professor, he suggested I take my Anthropology classes early an get them done sooner rather then later. So I agreed. Spring term of 2012 I sat in the from row in front of the professor podium. I really didn’t know anyone, so I kept to myself. When the professor started talking about culture personal space she used me for an example. She walks flush against my desk and I look up at this woman who has to be almost 6 feet in height. “Megan, does this bother you that I’m standing in your bubble?”. I look at her a little more and shrug and say no. She looked confused for a second, because everyone else she had seemed to have issues with people in her space. From that very incident I knew she was going to be my adviser. I knew Anthropology called to me in a way that nothing ever had before. Because Anthropology is a holistic study, you can do just about anything!
3 Years Later……….
I’ve struggled in the last few months with my capstone project. This being my senior year here at EOU, I work almost full time as a cashier at Riteaid and on top of that I’m being a pharmacy technician as well as going out and surveying with my professor for the forest service. I have never struggled so hard in my life, I’d much rather have my depression then struggle like this and to me that is huge.
As I sit here at my desk writing this all I can think of is how far I’ve come. How many people I’ve lost in these 4 years. Stop asking what I’m going to do with it, I don’t fucking know. No one does yet. All the graduates are on edge because we will be walking in front of family and friends in less then 8 days. Finals start on Monday and as I’ve watched all the students on campus I know this is the week that everyone breaks apart.
Don’t let it get you down folks, We can do this. We can do what we did for the other finals weeks…..not drink heavily to get your work in, but take a few minutes to relax and don’t stress. Congratulations class of 2015.
We are the next big thing for our communities. May your lives take you to great and far places but never forget where you have come from and where it all began. Do not let that fire inside your heart and head die.
Blessed be loved one, Blessed be.
Hey all! It’s so great to be writing again and this time I’ve chosen a topic that I will try to stand on neutral ground on. I’ll try to write this as a humanitarian in a way, but also to inform those who are “blind” to the common issues we face today in society that go against the “old Norms”.
I’ve heard my entire life phrases like,” It’s just not done”,”Well, in my day this just wasn’t right..”, you get the picture. Of course I was raised with some old war vets and the older generations, but this is 2012. The youth finally have a huge voice, but what they say and what they mean are two different things. I am for gay rights, I have my reasons and people I want to protect. This goes for adults, elderly and youth who are LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans gender/ sexual, Queer or Questioning). But they do not have the same rights as Heterosexuals.
I wont go out and bash on religion because that would make me look narrow minded and hypocritical. Religion, however, is a large drive to the anti gay right. The bible was written so many years, we have no one from that time that can really tell us what the texts were meant to say. Like I said earlier, what you say and what you mean are two different things. You can spend your life, thinking that the bible is written this way and this is how it was meant, or you can be open minded and still question the meaning.
Main point? You can read the bible and love it just the same, but remember that WE don’t really know what the words truly mean, because we have an era difference.
I WAS RAISED THIS WAY
I’ve heard this line more times in my life then I have ever cared for. I get that your family is a huge influence in raising you and I’m not saying it’s wrong. But I encourage you to be your own person, grow from what you’ve learned in your family and their beliefs to what YOU want to believe and be who YOU want to be. I know everyone wants to be accepted into their own families, but it’s the differences in beliefs that makes us who we are.
Here is a personal story for you. I was riding the bus home from school( mind you this was sophomore year in high school). I was one of the oldest kids on the bus and I was viciously for Gay Rights. I got into a discussion with some Freshman and I gave them an example and questions. “What if your absolute best friend came up to you one day looking scared and told you, because he trusted you, that he was gay”. Sadly I already knew the answers I would get from the 3 freshman boys. The one that spoke the most drove me insane. This is what he said pretty much. “I wouldn’t ever let him stay the night with me ever again, that’s just weird. He’s be like all in love with me.”
Let’s get this myth straight, just because someone comes out to you as Gay (or any other types), it doesn’t mean 100% that they are into you. You are a close friend to them and they want to stay friends with you because who knows who will ditch them.
Sadly with my personal story we know how coming out to the Freshman boy above would go over as. I am happy to say as he has grown through a few grades, he has become more tolerant and not as verbal, in public, about gays. This all still comes from what families teach their children, because chances are that’s how they were raised as well. Wanna know something? It’s time to break that chain. Even if you are not for gay rights, as I know a few people that are not, at least be neutral and respectful of the people’s choices.
Now this is something I want to touch on a little bit because I only know a little about this topic but not enough to write a billion words about it. The fear of Gays, Lesbians you name it, is usually called homophobia. This can usually be related to earlier childhood events to where the child was male dominated and might be scarred for the rest of their life. This is also a life long fight with finding your own personal dominance, one that starts in high school and gets pretty extreme in college. Proving your dominance will not make you more dominant, sorry guys! Your trying to prove to yourself that you are masculine and not the slightest bit of gay. Truthfully I find it foolish, because if people are judging you based upon these actions, then you most likely have the worst crowd of friends ever.
Fear is what blinds us from how we really feel. We betray our families and our friends. We close ourselves off to the world.