You know, depression isn’t something that is new to me. I struggled with it for years. Mainly in high school, but also in middle school. It was something I had to learn to adapt to. How to manipulate it enough to push it away for a few hours. Learning to smile in front of people, even when I wanted to tear myself apart. When I just wanted to stay in a room away from everyone else. Not talking to anyone, but having the desire of people to talk to.
It’s been 2 years since I graduated college. 6 years since I graduated high school. Good god what happened? While I am 23 I don’t really call myself an “adult” per se. Yes, I got my degree and no, I’m not using it yet. I have a good job, could use benefits *cough cough*, I have a car, I rent a house with my fiance (of almost 5 years now). My life is stable. Which is more than I can say for most of my life.
I’ve become and overall more stable and happy person as time has gone on. Where I used to not cry at romantic movies or scenes in animes (Yuri!!! on Ice killed me), I now cry at them. Moving from being a teenage to “adulthood” has been a huge change. But I think it has been a good one. I’m not saying I haven’t struggled….because, honestly I do. Everyday. If not with my situation, then with who I am as a person.
The last few days I realized I’ve been strangely depressed. That doesn’t mean I can’t smile and have a good time with my coworkers or my pharmacist. Overall, it just means……I feel like I’m lacking something important. Since I moved to Moscow, Idaho…it’s been a struggle. I dislike Idaho and they are like 15 years behind the times y’all.
We had snow for roughly 2 weeks straight. While it is slowly melting, we do have ice on the sidewalks and huge potholes in the streets. It could be my vitamin D levels dropping, but it is most likely my Monthly cycle telling me that my emotions are about to go haywire. I have never liked the cold, so being in a place where it’s been a high of 39 degrees….it kinda zaps me. I have friends online that I’m with almost nightly and they are all so fun hangout with. I’ve gotten so close to people from all over the world it’s funny While I have friends online, I haven’t made new ones here in Idaho. I have a few fun coworkers who I joke around with, but no true friends.
Being from Portland, Oregon….you can say I’m missing the rain.
The calming watery drops exploding on contact with windows, cars, building, asphalt. They come in a variety of shapes and strengths. Some people get depressed from the rain, while I get depressed in the snow (stupid white crap). I miss getting soaked by the cold and sometimes warm rains of Western Oregon. I miss the coast mainly I think. I feel so rejuvenated by the crashing of the waves hitting such jagged rocked cliffs. Feeling the gritty granules of sand between my toes and on my legs. My hair is wavy but gets super wavy with the salty air of the ocean nearby. Makeup never goes on right either 😛
I know all the things I need to make myself feel better. Yet, they are so far away. With no time or money to go visit. I guess that’s the idea of being an adult right? Having to work crazy hours, or opposite shifts from your significant otter…yes I did mean to type otter. Of all the things I’ve gone through and come out of…I’ve learned to forgive and forget. To move on. People change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. I change. Every day I’m trying to be a better person. To push myself further, even if just by an inch. I have so much love to give and I’m ready to shed tears for those who cannot get out of their situations. I’m ready to listen to myself and everyone around me. Being an empath can be tough, as I’m influenced by people’s emotions or auras (what emotions they throw off).
I know my depression is trying to keep my trapped here. Trying to keep me from doing better. From being better. But I learned long ago…that medications….don’t help. They are a temporary wall from the real issues at hand. I learned that I have to push myself to get over it. It will A L W A Y S be there. It won’t go away…..but that’s fine. It’s just as much a part of me as my eye color or my feet.
So. Maybe this blog post doesn’t make sense to you. That’s okay. That just means you don’t understand MY depression like I do. You probably understand yours a lot better then I will. Because we live it. We breathe it. It is us. Everything that we are. One small trait does not mean that is what we are. We have many that make us who we are. So I encourage anyone who is having a tough time, with anything. To write. To sing. To dance. To do anything that makes you so full of joy that for a few minutes you forget that your dark friend is with you. We as people need to strive to do better….even when depression descends upon us. Keep doing better. others might not see it, but that’s O K A Y. You will know what’s going on. No one has to understand you 100%. But listen to yourself. Understand what your mind and body are telling you. It might hurt, but being hurt is okay. Licking your wounds is okay. Be happy with who you are. What if you aren’t? Then you need to be working on changing what you are unhappy with. It won’t be an easy journey, but it’s not the journey that defines you….it’s how you handle it.