Personal Journey: L O V E

I received word about a week ago from my capstone professor that he will give me a C in my capstone series. I had to take an incomplete from spring term due to him and I fighting over my topic and how to approach the research for my project. An incomplete can be given from any professor that wishes for a student to work on papers or projects a little longer then their 10 week course schedule. This is strictly up to the professor and most of the time, students do not finish their work.

But I did. After a shit ton of work (not really), revisions and statistical analysis I happened to pass the course with a C. I’m not a hard working “A” student by any means, so I was so happy just to pass. I passed my last 2 classes with an A and a B which finished off my Anthropology degree.

However, through this stress I had a lot of other crap going on. I’ve worked as a cashier and training new associates for almost 2 years. Around December of last year I started working in the Pharmacy as a cashier, in hopes that I could possibly worm my way into getting my pharmacy technician certification. I passed the first half of the training and am currently working on how to do everything in the pharmacy. It is a very difficult job, when no one really has time to train you and you just fill stuff as fast as you can, not making a mistake and trying to ask for help when you have no clue what to do. It is a rewarding job in the fact that our regulars seem to enjoy us a lot and are familiar with our stories and journeys we are currently undergoing. It is perhaps the most stressful job I’ve had, but I know that I can travel just about anywhere I want to with the tech job. This is the main reason why I got it. With $40k of student loans hanging over my head,, I had ot find a job that will pay me well enough to pay my debts and survive. The biggest plus about this stressful Full time student and part time pharmacy tech, is m boyfriend. We will have been together for 4 years next year and he has been there for me through the darkest parts in my life.

He was there a month after my mother passed way from her brain tumors. I’d like to say I was prepared for it, but in the end there is nothing you can do to soften the impact of loss. He helped me over those hurdles. Not even a week or 3 before she passed way my fiance at that time broke up with me. We dated a few years prior, but the second time hurt a little more then the first. Dealing with all the loss and pain, he was there. He held me as I cried and helped me to build myself up again. A few months later my best friend was murdered. I called him and I told him about it and he was down to Pendleton in an hour (from La Grande). He held me as I cried and the probably the deepest void within me opened up from that experience. I have never felt such deep and dark despair in my life. On good days it isn’t too bad, but when I think of her I feel like a gaping hole is in my chest. That is something that will never go away and he volunteers to be the one to help me through it.

I’ve been burned in love for years. Mind you, I am 22 years old. I’m from Portland/ Gresham, Oregon and moved to Pendleton, Oregon my freshmen year of high school. I wanted what every teenager wanted, sex was one thing surrre. But I want a true and pure love. Someone to love me so completely that I never felt broken to begin with. You know? that feeling in your stomach when you start dating someone new. You are shy and it’s hard to look at them in the eye and you feel warm stirring in the pit on your stomach. It makes you float on air and feel weightless and nothing can bring you down. Besides, of course, heartbreak.

As I’ve gotten older I realized that my idea of pure love was very biased. It was unrealistic and unobtainable. I knew I wanted someone who thought I was their world and would do anything for me. But I know the universe works in the way of balances. If on sacrifices for you, then you need to reciprocate. Balance is everything.

Though my bunny has a job in Idaho and lives with his parents again I have decided to face my fears and try to move to Pullman, Wa or surrounding areas. He has sacrificed leaving La Grande and getting a good job and making connections for me. But since I graduated I really don’t have very many places to go. I need to get my certification for the pharmacy tech position and hopefully my transfer will go through alright.

The one thing I’ve learned about love has been compromise. I’m a dominate woman and I want everything my way. As you can tell this seems absolutely impossible to do right? So even though I am scared and I know I love my boyfriend and want to marry him some day, I know that I have to do something for him. I’ve held him back for 2 years and I don’t want to drag my feet anymore. I’ll give to him what he needs to make it in life as I hope he does the same for me.

Plus, I hate living alone.

I want to raise him up as far as I can to help him and I want him to do the same for me. We are young but we are able to move anywhere we need too. It wasn’t long ago that I said I would never marry. I knew no one would put up with my shit, bossiness, emotional issues, trust issues, etc. But, he found a way to make it work. He is always the first to apologize and the first one to forgive, which is something I need to work on. Through the last 3+ years we have grown in ways I never dreamed possible. It doesn’t make sense when we are apart, but together, everything fits into place.


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