The 1 year of pain

I never thought growing up that I would be without my mom. I defiantly did a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have, but who hasn’t right? *sigh* Well it’s been a year already.

March 1, 2012

I was in my club office on March 2, 2012. I was having a pretty good day and kind of playing around on facebook.

My father texts me, like he normally would. He text me,” He you should come out of your dorm”

My first thought was really excited, you know, my dad is here! yay!, but as I walk across campus I remember all my dad had prepped me for for the last 3 years.

My stomach absolutly drops. I feel cold. I start to go numb in thinking, what is he doing here? why did he come down randomly without telling me.

In that moment I knew my entire world would shatter that one tiny string I had to my old life.

As I approached my dad’s truck he got out and asked how I was. I said I was okay. It took him a second to say,” Well I came down because I thought it would be better if I told you in person. Your mother passed away yesterday. I’m so sorry.”

It took 10 seconds to hit. I started crying my eyes out as he pulled me into a hug and stroked my back and just let me cry. 

I don’t remember how long I cried but when I pulled backed I couldn’t look at him. He told me to go pack, he was taking me home for the rest of the week.

I persisted and said no I’m fine, I can’t miss my classes. Well that fake smile apparently didn’t work. He said I was coming home and I didn’t have a choice. So I went into my dorm  and told my roommate at the time what had happened. I sent emails to my professors telling them about my situation.

Grabbed all the stuff I needed and returned to my dad’s truck.

The ride was really awkward, I mean what do you say in a situation like this?

When we got down cabbage hill we met with my brother at the gas station by his work. He knew and he seemed to teeter on what happened. I mean we were expecting it to happen any week, yet we were so unprepared for the feeling.

My dad talked to us about what to do with the ashes. Ty and I were at a loss for words and we just nodded and said we’ll figure it out.

When I got home I just kind of did nothing. I played games online, watched tv.

Anything to keep me numb, to keep me from crying more then I needed to. I thought that if I was numb enough, I wouldn’t cry later on. That it would be fine if I held in what I felt.

It felt like a whirlwind was centering itself in my chest, throwing rocks and trying to break out. My mind raced at every turn. My family looked at me in pity and they were helpless to do anything. 

My grandma called me and she apologized and told me good memories about my mom. My dad’s girlfriend, who I view as a mother figure, couldn’t say much. She actually cried with me for a little bit. She said she would be a wreck when her mother passes and she couldn’t even imagine how it feels.

As the rest of the week ( which was like 2 days) passed by, I returned to EOU on Sunday. Returning to classes on Monday and most importantly a psychology exam.

Long story short, the professor who said he didn’t care what happened or what I did, I wasn’t going to pass his class, is a total asshole. How can you be a psychology professor and NOT treat people with sympathy????!

Never again will I take a class from you again.

March 1, 2013

1 year ago she died. I still can’t believe it. I know I’m going to be really iffy on that Friday, which was the first, so I warn people I know. Scott, one of my best friend’s says to come over whenever and curl up on the couch and watch him play Skyrim. 

I didn’t end up at Scott’s until the end of the night, before my radio show. 

I went through all my classes that day, without having to leave of focus on her.

What I’ve learned so far:

Even though it’s only been a year I’ve learned so much. I look back at my high school photos and think,” I wonder if she was proud of me..”

I knew she called my dad every now and then, but not what he told her.

When I was dating my ex from Gresham, I stayed at his house for a month for christmas break.

I brought him to meet her and to see my mom, since I hadn’t seen her in a year. We talked and she always told me that my brother and myself were her angels.

I brought my mom a penguin hugging a blanket, because I knew she couldn’t regulate her body temperature that well. So I gave it to her as a christmas gift. She had a picture of my brother, his wife and their son. then a picture of me.

It always hurt going to see her. I knew the fate that awaited her and so did she but she kept saying,”I’m going to get better and go get  a job”.

How can you tell someone you love so much and you treated so bad when you were young that she can’t even get out of the rehab center she was in. 

How can someone so sick make me regret so much of my life, but still love me in the end.

It took 6 days for me to fall apart.

I hold everything and finally just let everything out all at once. I’ve let me regret, my pain, my suffering, my helplessness and everything else leak out.

This is why I am writing this blog now, and not on the official  date of my mother’s passing.

I felt nothing that day. I thought I had everything under control, but I was wrong. 

I am a great actress, but I can only smile and say I’m fine so many times in my life.

I’m not okay.

I know I can’t change what happened and I know I can’t apologize for everything I did. 

I just want to know if she was proud of the woman I’ve become. I’ve changed everything about myself over the years. I’m highly cold to people who want to play games and gossip. I barely have sympathy for the basics of daily life, (I’m late etc).

I’m tired of being hurt, so I never get attached to those I date. Or I feel like I love them, but when it’s over, I feel nothing.

I feel at a loss for words and feelings at this point.

It’s hard to see others with their moms and how they function on a daily basis. or the people who get made that their parents don’t get them the right stuff.

So many people will finally understand how much it hurts to lose their parents after they are married, have kids and a life.

I will never get the satisfaction of having a true mother of the bride moment.

my mother can’t pass any history or family type advice along.

I can’t have bonding time, besides mourning.

I don’t have a shoulder to cry on when I need to bitch about my life.

No true wedding dress shopping.

She can’t watch me walk down the isle when I marry the person of my dreams, (yeah like that will happen ha!)

I’m missing my best friend, a stranger, a mother or the wise historian. 

I’m missing all these pieces from my life, I can replace the mother figure, but I miss out on the memories so many of you create with your parents.

Don’t take life for granted, you never know when the last thing you say to people really is the last. 

I’m great at holding grudges, but honestly, don’t do it. It’d wasted time in your life.

Be there when someone cries or needs the support. Let people know you are hurting. Don’t flaunt it.

Don’t hold emotions in, it will only wreck havoc later on and during a really bad time.

Love. Love with everything you have, it doesn’t matter if you get hurt or if they don’t love you back.

Let go of the past. It doesn’t matter how much it hurts. Let it go. These are weights holding you under the water, eventually you will drown. 

Smile at everyone you see. your smile might be the one thing that makes someone days.

and always, 

Push forward. Exceed what you think you can accomplish. Do things out of the cube, (my version of “out of the box”).

Learn from your mistakes,

Live, love, forgive,

forget, grow, learn,

dance, dream, accomplish,

cry, hug, sing, read,

push forward………

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