Being inside my head is kinda scary. My moods and how I view life in general shifts so quickly. But it’s not always influenced by my interactions with people, customers, people online, etc. It’s like this big red switch, that screams at people to flip. That small *click* and everything in my world changes. It’s weird because I view myself as a very stable person emotionally, so when the switch is flipped I feel so out of control.
Reality Vs. my mind. I always say that I have two types of thought processes. One side has the logical/ scientific thoughts, while the other side is based on my own moral compass, my emotions, how I view the world as “right”. I think my Bachelors in Anthropology really helped to separate these thought processes, since you need both sides to do your actual studies. But….. at the same time, it feels like it’s ripping you apart. The voice in my head says the most terrible things to me, about me, about others. It gives me pretty extreme paranoia, where it normally doesn’t exist. I’m hyper aware of people and I always questions if I annoy them, if I did something wrong, etc.
I get sheepish. I isolate myself. Knowing that once something is said, it’s impossible to take back. Viewing myself as a strong person hurts when I feel so unsure of every breath I take. Feeling like I’m getting ripped in a million different directions. Being empathetic on top of all of this *sucks in breath* just makes it so much worse. Where I would normally be able to control and filter out everyone’s emotions, feelings and thoughts around me, I can’t during this phase of…. god I’m not even sure what to call this.
My isolation is really only for myself, to protect myself. I’m still around, I’m always watching, but I wont jump in like I normally do. It’s odd, I want to stay in the shadows and watch, but I also want someone to include me and ask me to join them in whatever they are doing. Is that my need for companion reassurance? I’m I T H A T insecure in my relationships that I have to have someone reach out to me? That I need someone to tell me I’m not crazy for needing so much attention. It’s a crazy thing, coming from a human in my opinion.
What does it mean? What does this lead to? It’s a sick circle, dragging me through the loop again. While I have high highs, I have very few low lows. Perhaps that is why I feel so out of control. That the storm brewing inside of me is just a passing thing. That people don’t actually think of me as an annoyance, just my paranoia shoving me into an isolation chamber. Feeding me bits and pieces of everyday connections. But these are being taken out of context maybe?
My mind is never this chaotic. My decisions are never this hazy. I’m N E V E R this timid or unsure about myself or my path. Gasping for my breath and thinking that I might need to rethink how I live my life. This shouldn’t be a problem, but it is. In this very moment my entire world is held above my head, higher then I can reach. I can’t expect everyone to help me keep pushing this up, because it will topple over.
Shattering all over the floor. I’m not afraid of breaking everything that I am. Being broken is nothing bad, it just means you need to align yourself again. But I can’t do that if I’m stuck in this padded room listening to a voice that doesn’t have my best interests at heart. A voice that is telling me terrible things & that I don’t matter. I’ve flipped this voice over and taken control again and again. But it feels so much harder every time the voice takes the reins.