Latest

Isolation chamber

Being inside my head is kinda scary. My moods and how I view life in general shifts so quickly. But it’s not always influenced by my interactions with people, customers, people online, etc. It’s like this big red switch, that screams at people to flip. That small *click* and everything in my world changes. It’s weird because I view myself as a very stable person emotionally, so when the switch is flipped I feel so out of control.

Reality Vs. my mind. I always say that I have two types of thought processes. One side has the logical/ scientific thoughts, while the other side is based on my own moral compass, my emotions, how I view the world as “right”. I think my Bachelors in Anthropology really helped to separate these thought processes, since you need both sides to do your actual studies. But….. at the same time, it feels like it’s ripping you apart. The voice in my head says the most terrible things to me, about me, about others. It gives me pretty extreme paranoia, where it normally doesn’t exist. I’m hyper aware of people and I always questions if I annoy them, if I did something wrong, etc.

black_white photography_lightroom_AES6451

I get sheepish. I isolate myself. Knowing that once something is said, it’s impossible to take back. Viewing myself as a strong person hurts when I feel so unsure of every breath I take. Feeling like I’m getting ripped in a million different directions. Being empathetic on top of all of this *sucks in breath* just makes it so much worse. Where I would normally be able to control and filter out everyone’s emotions, feelings and thoughts around me, I can’t during this phase of…. god I’m not even sure what to call this.

My isolation is really only for myself, to protect myself. I’m still around, I’m always watching, but I wont jump in like I normally do. It’s odd, I want to stay in the shadows and watch, but I also want someone to include me and ask me to join them in whatever they are doing. Is that my need for companion reassurance? I’m I  T H A T insecure in my relationships that I have to have someone reach out to me? That I need someone to tell me I’m not crazy for needing so much attention. It’s a crazy thing, coming from a human in my opinion.

What does it mean? What does this lead to? It’s a sick circle, dragging me through the loop again. While I have high highs, I have very few low lows. Perhaps that is why I feel so out of control. That the storm brewing inside of me is just a passing thing. That people don’t actually think of me as an annoyance, just my paranoia shoving me into an isolation chamber. Feeding me bits and pieces of everyday connections. But these are being taken out of context maybe?

My mind is never this chaotic. My decisions are never this hazy. I’m N E V E R this timid or unsure about myself or my path. Gasping for my breath and thinking that I might need to rethink how I live my life. This shouldn’t be a problem, but it is. In this very moment my entire world is held above my head, higher then I can reach. I can’t expect everyone to help me keep pushing this up, because it will topple over.

city-hands-lonely-photography-rain-Favim.com-301037

Shattering all over the floor. I’m not afraid of breaking everything that I am. Being broken is nothing bad, it just means you need to align yourself again. But I can’t do that if I’m stuck in this padded room listening to a voice that doesn’t have my best interests at heart. A voice that is telling me terrible things & that I don’t matter. I’ve flipped this voice over and taken control again and again. But it feels so much harder every time the voice takes the reins.

Advertisements

Getting to know me

Hullo! It’s that time again folks. As I don’t write on my blog nearly enough, I figured I’d ask for help from a few online friends. I asked in a few Discord groups & Facebook to get people to give me shit to answer. This is no means to brag about myself or anything, but to help others see me in writing.

Do you believe in luck?

You know, that’s a kinda sorta. The open part of my mind believes A N Y T H I N G is possible (yes bigfoot!), but the scientific part of me wants to believe only facts. So I’m torn in this question. I’d say yes I do believe in luck in almost anything, because I feel like it gives me an answer to why things happen or are the way the are. The other half knows that shit happens and we just scoop it up and deal with it.

What’s your favorite band/artist and song from said band/artist?

Ohhh tough question. My mood determines what music/ artists I love. My all time favorite band is Evanescence. My favorite song by them is You or Good enough. Hard to choose, though Good enough holds a special place in my heart.

Who’s your least favorite character in anime and what anime are they from?

Hm…. people I dislike hmm. I don’t think I currently dis…. wait… Kikyo from Inuyasha…… stupid bitch…. I dislike her a lot Inuyasha & Kagome forever!

Which part of the world do you most want to visit and why?

I have loved Japan most of my life and would love to travel there and even live there. But I’d be happy to travel anywhere in the world. I’d love to see Ireland and Scotland as well ❤

Favorite season?

Autumn. It’s just so….. beautiful. It’s cool, windy, sometimes wet, but it feels like… home. You can smell all the baked goods from all the houses and it just feels perfect.

Favorite prehistoric animal?

You know… I never honestly thought about it. But I did a wee bit of research. Xenosmilus would have to be my favorite. Of course it’s a big cat, I mean I wore cat ears in high school…. so of course it’s a cat. Obviously we aren’t 100% what the external of the cat looked like, but we have the bones and it looks fierce.

What makes you really happy or at least brings a smile to your face when you think or hear about it?

I love getting to see people who are in love or soon to be in love interacting in public. Because to them, it’s only them on the street. It’s their own little world, their time. No one  else matters and to watch people interacting like this just… makes me so happy. It’s something that is truly beautiful an unique to everyone.

What is something you are sad about?

Loaded question here. Because a lot of thing and people make me sad. But, at the given time, it was losing my best friend.

 

Raindrops

Being in the rain is an odd experience for me. Rather outer body type. When I’m in the rain, no matter where I am everything slows down. I can’t tell you if it’s my mind or the fact that I’m letting everything go. Feeling the wet drops hit my face with varying pressure and temperatures. It’s soothing and the most relaxed I can get here in a land locked state. Where the Ocean is my savior and my partner in my dreams, the rain holds such a tight grip on my heart. Being from a rainy city has scarred me in more ways then one. When I was young and trying to deal with my depression, the rain helped me to wash everything I was thinking away.

T60Dt1V

My mind almost goes blank. Where most of the thoughts in my head are “rough” and most of the time I’m smiling and genuinely talking with people but feeling so hollow. Feeling like a shell with thoughts that I can’t shake. But in the rain, I find release. The rough rain of Eastern Oregon was more then I could have ever hoped for. The storm patterns were insane to say the least. But walking under the thunder and lightening is an experience that I’m not sure I’ll ever get back. 

rain-nature-animated-gif-17

All sounds or people or vehicles are gone. While I see the structures around me, I don’t see them as an obstacle. It feels like a high in a way. Where I feel like I’m floating. That this is just a dream since as a human we don’t normally feel like this. I’m entranced by the raindrops crashing into puddles and the shapes they make. Lost in their uncommon pattern and the way they shift through the air. In simple terms, it’s a cleansing. Stripping me mentally bare to every heavy event on my mind. Letting go was one of the hardest things I had to learn in life. But letting go was also something so beautiful as well. With so many things changing around us daily, it’s so easy to get lost in your head. Lost in your anxiety, fear, depression, etc. It grabs you and it shakes you until you wish for death. 

rain-nature-animated-gif-21

I’m not sure why I am so drawn to water in almost all forms. I’m not sure why rain and the powerful ocean relaxes me to the point of forgetting where I am. Hello, is dangerous lol. Maybe it’s the uncontrollable aspect of it. Or that I feel that it resembles my own turmoil inside me. That it makes me feel like everything will go how it’s suppose to go and I can’t control everything. That everything will wash down the drain anyways, but I can always try again.

Someday.

rain-nature-animated-gif-8

You know what? Depression is a living and breathing thing. It lives in all of us. Whether it’s due to mental health issues, traumatic life events, death, loss, breakups, of it not having a purpose. We have all experienced it. We have all fallen pray to it and we’ve stayed there for months on end. Waiting & hoping that something… that someone would come along and fix us. But we aren’t broken. We aren’t damaged. We are strong beings, who bare the weight of this dark presence.

tumblr_mngb2jFLB11riolmio1_500

The blank stare. The muted surroundings. The shallow breathing. You see everything… but you see nothing. Nothing can hold your interest. Driving and blanking out your favorite song on the radio, noticing the red flashing stop light but not really seeing it, but able to follow street laws. Everything feels numb. You feel like a shell. Sunken into yourself. You know people are noticing you, but you really don’t care. It is an intense and important part of depression. For me personally, I should add.

I’m someone who constantly self critiques. I self analyze myself and my actions. I’m always trying to improve my methods and trying to be a better person. I know I’m not much of a humanitarian, I’m not someone everyone should look up too, & I’m not someone who would seem to succeed. But I try. I keep getting back up, dusting myself off, Flipping off those who live to beat me down & I do better. Every single time. This is a part of fighting off depression for me. To know that I can do better. Be better.

giphy

But. Not everyone can pull themselves out of the dark abyss so easily. blogs, poetry, music, dancing, talking to strangers. Anything can help, but you need to find that one thing that drives you. That carries you from the ashes, and helps you set your feet on the ground, even if it’s a toe. Run babe, run.

Depression can be so beautiful and so creative. On the opposite side of things, I can be deadly too. It feels so simple to smile and laugh with people. To genuinely mean the smile you are showing, but knowing that once you are alone, everything breaks. Not knowing the reason. Not knowing how to fix it. But maybe it isn’t something we can fix. Does this make you feel like you are well and truly broken? It’s just another fragment of who you are. Use it to your advantage to the best of your abilities. If it means just smiling around people. Doing something to make someone smile. Anything. But do it for you.

NSPhotline_graphic

 

It’s not too late.

Tonight I was reminded why I am still here. Why I fought. Why I’m alive,even though it was so much easier…to not exist anymore.

Depression

You know, depression isn’t something that is new to me. I struggled with it for years. Mainly in high school, but also in middle school. It was something I had to learn to adapt to. How to manipulate it enough to push it away for a few hours. Learning to smile in front of people, even when I wanted to tear myself apart. When I just wanted to stay in a room away from everyone else. Not talking to anyone, but having the desire of people to talk to.

It’s been 2 years since I graduated college. 6 years since I graduated high school. Good god what happened? While I am 23 I don’t really call myself an “adult” per se. Yes, I got my degree and no, I’m not using it yet. I have a good job, could use benefits *cough cough*, I have a car, I rent a house with my fiance (of almost 5 years now). My life is stable. Which is more than I can say for most of my life.

I’ve become and overall more stable and happy person as time has gone on. Where I used to not cry at romantic movies or scenes in animes (Yuri!!! on Ice killed me), I now cry at them. Moving from being a teenage to “adulthood” has been a huge change. But I think it has been a good one. I’m not saying I haven’t struggled….because, honestly I do. Everyday. If not with my situation, then with who I am as a person.

The last few days I realized I’ve been strangely depressed. That doesn’t mean I can’t smile and have a good time with my coworkers or my pharmacist. Overall, it just means……I feel like I’m lacking something important. Since I moved to Moscow, Idaho…it’s been a struggle. I dislike Idaho and they are like 15 years behind the times y’all.

deplight

We had snow for roughly 2 weeks straight. While it is slowly melting, we do have ice on the sidewalks and huge potholes in the streets. It could be my vitamin D levels dropping, but it is most likely my Monthly cycle telling me that my emotions are about to go haywire. I have never liked the cold, so being in a place where it’s been a high of 39 degrees….it kinda zaps me. I have friends online that I’m with almost nightly and they are all so fun hangout with. I’ve gotten so close to people from all over the world it’s funny While I have friends online, I haven’t made new ones here in Idaho. I have a few fun coworkers who I joke around with, but no true friends.

Being from Portland, Oregon….you can say I’m missing the rain.

attractive-rain-falling-wallpapers-hd-pictures

The calming watery drops exploding on contact with windows, cars, building, asphalt. They come in a variety of shapes and strengths. Some people get depressed from the rain, while I get depressed in the snow (stupid white crap). I miss getting soaked by the cold and sometimes warm rains of Western Oregon. I miss the coast mainly I think. I feel so rejuvenated by the crashing of the waves hitting such jagged rocked cliffs. Feeling the gritty granules of sand between my toes and on my legs. My hair is wavy but gets super wavy with the salty air of the ocean nearby. Makeup never goes on right either 😛

I know all the things I need to make myself feel better. Yet, they are so far away. With no time or money to go visit. I guess that’s the idea of being an adult right? Having to work crazy hours, or opposite shifts from your significant otter…yes I did mean to type otter. Of all the things I’ve gone through and come out of…I’ve learned to forgive and forget. To move on. People change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. I change. Every day I’m trying to be a better person. To push myself further, even if just by an inch. I have so much love to give and I’m ready to shed tears for those who cannot get out of their situations. I’m ready to listen to myself and everyone around me. Being an empath can be tough, as I’m influenced by people’s emotions or auras (what emotions they throw off).

I know my depression is trying to keep my trapped here. Trying to keep me from doing better. From being better. But I learned long ago…that medications….don’t help. They are a temporary wall from the real issues at hand. I learned that I have to push myself to get over it. It will A L W A Y S be there. It won’t go away…..but that’s fine. It’s just as much a part of me as my eye color or my feet.

So. Maybe this blog post doesn’t make sense to you. That’s okay. That just means you don’t understand MY depression like I do. You probably understand yours a lot better then I will. Because we live it. We breathe it. It is us. Everything that we are. One small trait does not mean that is what we are. We have many that make us who we are. So I encourage anyone who is having a tough time, with anything. To write. To sing. To dance. To do anything that makes you so full of joy that for a few minutes you forget that your dark friend is with you. We as people need to strive to do better….even when depression descends upon us. Keep doing better. others might not see it, but that’s O K A Y. You will know what’s going on. No one has to understand you 100%. But listen to yourself. Understand what your mind and body are telling you. It might hurt, but being hurt is okay. Licking your wounds is okay. Be happy with who you are. What if you aren’t? Then you need to be working on changing what you are unhappy with. It won’t be an easy journey, but it’s not the journey that defines you….it’s how you handle it.

deprose

Oregonian to….Idahoian? Ew

So kitties! I’ve moved!

From my home in Oregon to……..ugly ass Idaho. At least my part is kind of ugly. Moscow…..no Not Russia, I should hit the shit out of you, but Moscow, Idaho. My parents moved to Alaska roughly in April. Bastards. I’m crying! I’ve been abandoned! Mom’s photo from AK.

DSC00134.JPG

Aaaaanyways, I was down in Pendleton helping them pack and get ready for the moved almost every weekend for a month so I did spend sometime with them, though my mother bawled like a baby. With them gone and the Bunny (boyfriend for those who don’t know) who moved in September of last year, I was kind of alone. I was however working pretty hard in the pharmacy to become a Tech. I was talking to the Rx manager in Pullman,WA he said I needed to move within like 30 days so I can have the job at his Rx.

I made the move. And it fucking sucked. I despise moving. Let me correct myself, I despise moving my shit. I’m a solitary creator at heart. $600 later and popping as much OTC pain pills allowable, I hate it. Mind you I do have a Hot topic, Bed Bath & Beyond, Bath & Body works, and a panda express in one mall. Not to shabby. But I’m n Oregonian at heart. Born and raised I reckon. I do not pump my own gas……except…now I do…with the Bunny to supervise me. Have you seen the picture of the girl who looks like me from the side? No well ‘ll drop it below, I had friends asking if it was me. IT’S NOT! the Bunny even said it looked like me.

LuTLo

Oh on top of all this, I also needed to transfer from Oregon Board of Pharmacy to Washington. Which has to worst board fyi. I’m still waiting to work ad I’ve been here 2 weeks meow.

Anyways kitties that is my update for those, who might….or might not be paying attention.

I have a shit ton of social media sites for feel free to add me or message me…..or hey become a kitty fan!

Facebook.com/versaivex

Twitter.com/DJ_VersaiVex

Instagram @Versaivex

Allpoetry.com/versai-vex

Love you all…..don’t move to Idaho……

247671_10205158319067098_5400231134845898656_n.jpg