You know what? Depression is a living and breathing thing. It lives in all of us. Whether it’s due to mental health issues, traumatic life events, death, loss, breakups, of it not having a purpose. We have all experienced it. We have all fallen pray to it and we’ve stayed there for months on end. Waiting & hoping that something… that someone would come along and fix us. But we aren’t broken. We aren’t damaged. We are strong beings, who bare the weight of this dark presence.
The blank stare. The muted surroundings. The shallow breathing. You see everything… but you see nothing. Nothing can hold your interest. Driving and blanking out your favorite song on the radio, noticing the red flashing stop light but not really seeing it, but able to follow street laws. Everything feels numb. You feel like a shell. Sunken into yourself. You know people are noticing you, but you really don’t care. It is an intense and important part of depression. For me personally, I should add.
I’m someone who constantly self critiques. I self analyze myself and my actions. I’m always trying to improve my methods and trying to be a better person. I know I’m not much of a humanitarian, I’m not someone everyone should look up too, & I’m not someone who would seem to succeed. But I try. I keep getting back up, dusting myself off, Flipping off those who live to beat me down & I do better. Every single time. This is a part of fighting off depression for me. To know that I can do better. Be better.
But. Not everyone can pull themselves out of the dark abyss so easily. blogs, poetry, music, dancing, talking to strangers. Anything can help, but you need to find that one thing that drives you. That carries you from the ashes, and helps you set your feet on the ground, even if it’s a toe. Run babe, run.
Depression can be so beautiful and so creative. On the opposite side of things, I can be deadly too. It feels so simple to smile and laugh with people. To genuinely mean the smile you are showing, but knowing that once you are alone, everything breaks. Not knowing the reason. Not knowing how to fix it. But maybe it isn’t something we can fix. Does this make you feel like you are well and truly broken? It’s just another fragment of who you are. Use it to your advantage to the best of your abilities. If it means just smiling around people. Doing something to make someone smile. Anything. But do it for you.