College life of a Loner

You hear about college being the best time of someone’ s life.

R U MO R S * O F * C O L L E G E

Well that’s obviously not my story. When I was accepted at Eastern Oregon University I thought my life would be so easy and carefree.  I was ready to get away from my dad and live on my own(with his help ha ha). I’m not a party person so that never enticed me at all.

I moved out and started attending classes. They were the hardest classes I’ve ever come across. I was unhappy. I was furious with myself most of the time. I was stressed and felt alone.

D E P R E S S I O N

It was something I know I already had, but somehow it comes in waves. When furious or stressed I get depressed. I’ve never cut, so that was something I didn’t need to think about it. I didn’t drink or pop pills. I suffered in silence. Being pleasant and talkative when encountered. I wanted to be normal and happy like I’ve heard so much about.

R E L A T I O N S H I P

I’m so in love with my boyfriend, it’s amazing that we dated once before and were engaged. After 2 years we realized that we wanted to be with each other. But the distance is almost too much to bare at times. We fought. Hard at times and it’s still hard to handle. I love him and he makes me happy, but even that isn’t enough to make life better.

M O T H E R

I heard a few days ago that she only has days or if she’s lucky a few weeks. Can you imagine. Your best friend is going to die, and you can’t do anything about it. Her tumor controlled her and there was nothing we could do. So they decided to let her die. I’m still waiting for my world to break into a million shattered pieces of glass. Because when I go to pick up the pieces, the pain will always stab at me.

R O O M M A T E S

I like living alone. I’m OCD and I hate when people mess up my flow. I got stuck with 3 people to room with. The dorm was nice and loud I guess. Let’s say I’d rather stab myself now.

N O W

In a way I wish I would have graduated and just started working. I hate college. It’s nothing that I like. Everything I learned, means nothing here. I know I need to be a nurse, because that’s what I’m best at. But I didn’t think reaching my dream meant that I was unhappy.

R A

I have the best mothers in the world. Jenn and Liz are amazing. I feel really close to Liz because like me she’s really into the whole stage and singing thing. Shes down to earth and willing to help. Jenn is normally busy but willing to help when needed. I know the RA’s have lives too, so I tend to stay away until I really need to vent, like now

F R I E N D S

I had a good thing going. I had four guys I loved to death and feel so very close too. Until two of them moved out and now it’s down to Chris and Scott. Chris is crazy as hell. He use to be in the circus and all and is really ripped O.O I totally don’t mind. Scott is the sweetheart, that gets the worst of it all. I feel like a mother to all of them in a way, maybe it’s my life experience. Maybe I look like I have life under control. N O T

No I don’t like college…but I need it to get my dream career. So I’ll follow suit and do what I’m told, just to be a nurse.

J O Y

^ is me, I’ll fuck you up….N O T

Bakerm2@eou.edu

The change within myself and the world (mother daughter story)

I’ve only been righteously  sad when my heart was broken years ago.

This is a completely new break. Weakening my heart and soul.  

I reminds me of how precious life is in general and how little time we have.

I know I don’t have the worst life, compared to most, but for me, this will tell my entire future in a few short years of my life.

 I’ll begin my story with a little of the past and end right at this moment.  

I was 14 years old. I was involved with drugs( though I didn’t use them) and a lot of bad things. I had fallen in love and had everything I ever wanted shattered in just a few months. I lived with my step grandfather and my mom. My parents had been divorced since I was like 6 or 7. I grew up knowing my mother was my best friend. After she had lost her job she didn’t work for a few years (mind you I was younger then too ). Anyways I was never home because my grandfather would always sexual touch me, my mother knew she just couldn’t do anything because we had no where else to go. But my mother started acting weird. Like her mine and body weren’t connected at all. I remember waking up at 3 AM and seeing my mom standing behind the rocking chair, and she had been there since 11PM. MY mom was always cold, she couldn’t move or make up her mind. She wasn’t focused. At this time I had no idea what was going on or what I could do. It was until my aunt came over to see my mom and take her to the doctors.

T U M O R S

My entire world, my life came flying down on top of me, not only had my first love left me but my mother, MY best friend would become mentally ill because of these invaders. I knew I couldn’t take care of myself, but I tired anyways. My mother went through her surgeries and came out okay, but little did I know she would NEVER be the same again. My father decided to make me live with him. (Trust me that is a totally different story)

Everything I was wasn’t there anymore. My depression haunted me every night, every waking night. But my mother was the main factor on my mind. How I feel and how I think are polar opposites in this reality. My mother has her good and bad days. Days she can’t feed herself, days she sleeps all the time because of all the medication. Urinary tract infections almost every two weeks. I would never wish this upon anyone, to suffer this long, and still not have everything worked out. it’s like a ticking clock, only there is no deadline, there is no going back. No way to apologize and know that she understands what it means. There’s no way to tell if life is going to give her a break or break her. All I’ve heard is TIME WILL TELL…….

How I feel:

I feel that having this experience is changing who I am, so I can become a better nurse and a better person. I feel like Everything is my fault and I’ve done nothing right, or I haven’t done enough.

How I think:

I know that this happened because of fate, not because of me. A swift course of dread and sorrow, and yet can carve my characteristics out. I know I can’t do anything to help my mother, I can only give visual, Spiritual and audio support. I know my mother will never remember much about me, even though I know she’d want to. I know my mother is a strong women, and I know she wouldn’t want this to continue with anyone, let alone herself.  I know that the pain I feel now will be nothing in comparison to when I lose her, but I know that she wont have to suffer anymore.

R   E   F   L   E   C   T   I   O   N

I may not  know all that much about life yet, but I know what it feels like to cry and never be heard. To weep because I CAN’T do anything to help. I know I can’t blame myself for any of this(well a few things) but I know I’ll think of these things later. Regrets will haunt me day after day, and maybe then I’ll know a little bit more about loss and sorrow. For the moment I’ll keep my head up and keep walking down this small road, and hope that fate will give me a hand, even after shes been so cruel.  This will shape me and break my spirit but I know I’ll come out a better and more compassionate person. For any person who’s lost a parent, or a parent NOW is mentally ill, know your never alone, even when it feels like the world is right on top of you. Fight to become something more then yourself. Fight to change you ideas and knowledge. NEVER swell upon a mistake, one of the hardest things to do is forget. But if you accept your past, you can move on. Never forget how powerful nature and fate can be, how cruel and untamed they are together. Thank everything that’s right for everything YOU have or had. Consider it an honor to have a life well set compared to others.

My 7 reasons for living(personal ones)

1. Inspire others to challenge and change themselves, to be something more then they thought. To be strong and thrive in this hectic world. To grow and accept the past.

2.Help others less fortunate or more fortunate then yourself. You get the greater good from this problems. Cherish the fact that you can help someone, no matter who it is.

3. Knowledge.  You only know as much as you research.  

4. Be courteous  whether or not the other person is. In the end it will help you develop relationships with different types of people.

5. Be curious. You might hit a wall if your too nosy, but given the right circumstances and relationship, you can learn a lot about someone.

6. Be there for someone. Being someones “rock” will benefit you both in the long run.  Like I love being able to lean on my boyfriend and he can lean on me whenever and for whatever the need.

finally,

7. L      O     V    E. don’t discriminate, whether your gay, straight, purple, Christian or anything. Were meant to lean on each other. Be open to new possibilities, because when you do, you open a new line of trust between people. A deepere connection, where both people feel safe.

N  E  V  E  R    G  I  V  E   U  P

Love passionately and be rewarded. Place yourself in someone else’s shoes. Be aware of the words you say. Dream HUGE. Live gratefully. Laugh proudly. Love undeniably. Reason respectfully. Be who you are and know your never alone. 

Author’s notes :3

I’ve had a hellish last few days. Being in college and trying to keep tabs on my mother’s health really takes a toll on my emotions and body.  I’ve learned to respect fate and it’s choices.  Whether I like the answer or not, I never have a choice ( or maybe I do) I want to live strong and love harder. I want to be someones support and need support from people. Feeling alone is what I can normally feel, but I’ve been working on changing that. I want to inspire and change with time. I want to be someone to look up to and be loved.

Thank you for reading. It really does mean a lot to me. I knew I wanted to make a connection to my readers through something so real, like this.  If you think I’ve written something worth while please share on any site, just leave a link to my page please. Tell others about this. I want to help people and this is a way for me to feel like I am. Thank you again, I’m nothing without readers.

Email: Serrine78@gmail.com

:3

Enticed by the waves of life

 

 

Why is it that the lull of the ocean waves seduce us? For me it was never really getting to go to the coast and experience all the beauty and wonder of the sand and rocks. The hypnotizing crash of the waves, dragging sand and life with it.

I did not understand at all why the beach was such a hot spot for almost every person on this earth. At least I didn’t know until I went on my Honors Biology II coast trip. Mind you these are all crazy seniors! (ha ha) But never think less of this fine group of young adults. 

Early morning, 5 o’ clock alarm wakes my hotel room up to get ready. We start out at 6:15 towards the tide pools first thing . we arrive at what looks like extensive beach houses. We unload the bus and head down a small car road to a little trail. It was chained off because of what was below. We walked down a very steep path had to jump down a broken asphalt path down onto rocks. What we saw took my breath away. The massive expanse o beach littered with rocks and shells. At the lowest tide possible I saw the most beautiful sight I’ve ever experienced. The waves crashed against the low tide reefs and rocks. We walked to the left first towards many sea caves. There was one that everyone went into for pictures and some walked a little ahead. We climbed up a bunch of layered rocks to the Devil‘s Punchbowl. As I said before it was low tide, (let’s make sure you keep up with me k?) We ended into a round bowl of rock and sand. I looked up to see the clouds and the morning sky. What laid before me was a lot of rocks, pile after pile. My class dispersed onto the rocks, a few found Bull Kelp and played with it like a whip (ha ha). there was two entrances to the bowl. The one we came into and the one that exited out to the sea. It was beautiful when the waves crashed into the rocks at the entrance right there. The white foam settling between the boulders.

After leaving this site, we wandered at our own pace to the main tide pools! I walked slowly picking up shells and looking around.  I looked out to the ocean and took a deep breath and became instantly clam. I heard the waves crashing against the reefs and boulders. I heard the profile sounds that deceive the basic humans. I lacked at first, what I knew everyone did. I looked first. I didn’t hear it first. I thought deeply into the things I knew about the ocean and what I didn’t hear. It told a story. Of loss and betrayal. Lost love and fate.  I waves created new life for every organism in the water and the rocks. It washed away rock to make sand. It started the cycle all over again and it never tired of its task.

Ithought and I thought harder. I wondered what life lesson I could take out of this. It came to one option.

Live life with regret, because then at least you have something to wish for.

As bad as it seems, it has a moral I swear.  It doesn’t matter if we have it all or if we have nothing. We’ll always regret something. We’ll always think there’s something I could change if I went back in time. REALITY CHECK KITTIES! you can’t. Live with the pain of regret and learn from it. When your board in a repetitive situation, don’t go off and do something stupid!!!! (ahem the kids in my little hick town for an EX.)

My ending statement is to live life to the possible fullest. To strive to be you and no one else! even when everyone is wearing a black suit, wear a red one! Stand out and be who you want to be. Never live by standards! Never leave a situation unattended.

Now kitties I unleash you unto the world to populate and educate the little ones below you. Raise them as openly as possible and breathe life.

 

Thanks for reading kitty kats!

Serrine78@live.com OR versaivex@gmail.com

 

A little girl

 

There was a little girl.

With a broken life and broken family.

She sat alone at lunch.

The teachers would pass by but never ask.

This one teacher wondered what she could do and if she should help.

After an internal debate, she decided not to interfere.

The little girl would go home.

Cook and clean and sit in her room and cry.

As her parents fought and screamed.

She felt alone and that it was all her fault.

The father would come and beat the mother and make her watch.

Such a tender little girl.

To be beaten next.

She goes to school everyday.

Head lowered but she was still there.

The bluish bruises across her skin gave her a fraile look.

The teacher wondered but never tried to help.

The beatings at home kept getting worse.

But no one would hear.

That little girl died all alone.

By herself she stood alone.

What regret does the father hold.

It wouldn’t matter now, because he’s dead too.

~.: The moral of the story:.~

I am very aware that this is a country song. This song has always touched me, but I bagan to think closly on child abuse. A little girl who couldn’t get away. For the poor children around the world suffering.

Now I’m mainly writting this about teachers. I know a few teachers that have students that appear like this to them. And they constantly wonder if they should say anything. As a teacher it is your job to observe and understnad your students. Even if your hunch is wrong, at least you will know the student is alright.

I’ve had the chance to meet certain people in my life now that were abused to some degree in their life. They all said,” it was made to be my fault.”  I on the other hand disagree with this claim. Abuse in general is made to make people feel smaller then they really are.

For the people that choose to abuse women, children, men and even animals, I’m sorry your choosing to do this. However; these are your choices and will be exacuted to every degree within the laws placed in each state.

For the people being abused. Find your way out. It doesn’t matter how, do what you must to get away and get help. Never let your children suffer even if  “your in love” with the abuser. It’s never been right to people your significant other before your own flesh and blood.

I hope for any reader that reads this gets an understanding of what people and animals go through daily. I hope you know a little bit more then you had before. I want to inspire people to think about really issues and try to help others.

Thank you for reading my blog, it really would be a waste of space if I didn’t have people read or look at my blog. I take any requests also! anything you want me to talk about, then I’ll consider it!

thank you! I love my readers very very very much!

recommend me please and spread the word!

Email: Serrine78@live.com or

Versaivex@gmail.com

<3 you all!

Can you hear what I’m thinking?

How effortless it is for dreams to slide in and out of your mind. Subconsiously, the dreamer has no idea how many dreams they create. Most dreams are filled with what they yern for, what they crave, what they are dying to have. Only mine has only one meaning. Only one purpose. And that my viewers is something that everyone craves more then air and water itself.

I take my dreams very seriously, everything about them thrums and flows through my body. When I wake up in the morning I lay there and try to remember what I was thinking about before bed. It always comes to the same conclusion, him.

Now this person is older then me and has almost the same love experiences as me. I never thought that I would….fall for him this bad. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s sensitive and he’s adore too. But above all else, I don’t feel like I have to change myself to fit him. He’s so special to me and letting him in is an easy task for me now.

We get mad at each other and frustrated, but thats how you get passed issues I suppose. We have pet peevs and we take things out on each other sometimes. Without thinking about it, I’ll get mad and be all pissed off but then I look at his pictures and I calm down and realize I love him. I love him a lot more then I thought I would.

We live in two different states. We’re not offically going out, because he wants us to meet first. I asked why and he didn’t really have an answer. I said,” to see if you like me” and his responce was he already did.

He’s not as romantic as me (he he I’ll get into trouble with him for that), however; He is just as shy as I am. He’s adorable when he blushes or gents nervous. He tries to be “the man” and it’s so cute! He tries to be the protector, but I giggle and and say he doesn’t have to be.

Somehow I don’t think he realizes it. But he is more open then before. He doesn’t, However; Tell me what he thinks or how to say something. He can’t really be romantic because he can’t think or the words to say. <3 I love him anyways. Him trying is enough for me I think.

What I want to be for him:

As easy as it sounds, it’s a much more difficult task then one can even imagine. Because kitties, when people get hurt from someone they love they build walls. The build walls to keep people out, to stop people from hurting them. I am a prime example * motions to body* haha. I’ll make a list of what I want him to because you are going to read this Mr. Moo! (yes his pet name )

1. I want to be the one who you can tell anything to

2. When your mad at me, I want to be able to pout and you forgive me because I’m cute.

3. I want to be the person who protects you from yourself in the worst of times <3

4. I’m a mess of a person, but I can still be that person who loves you no matter what

5. I want to be able to look you in the eyes and see love(then blush O///O)

6. I do want to be the person you dream about and want to be with no matter what

7. I want to be the one that your proud to show off as your girlfriend

8. I want you to show who you really are and not be afraid to let me in

9. I want to be the one you live with and be able to love you with everything I have

and

10. I want to be the one you trust with everything you have and believe me if I say something random.

I’ve been dreaming lately. It’s more of a repeated dream. But it’s all my hopes and dreams playing out into the perfect life I want. I dream of you constantly. Every night. Being able to live with you or love you or have you here. You mean the world to me, and it keeps growing.

However; I think I’m over doing this. This is making me sound desperate, but your all I want <3. Somehow I know your either going to be mad that I made this or,” aww babe I love you”.

I really hope the latter :/

*sigh*

So to sum this all up viewers, listen to your dreams. They are trying to tell you something. They are telling you what you want. All you have to do is be honest about it and blurt it out I know it’s hard.

But you have to tell them if you love them. otherwise they might not know.

All in all I hope he does know I love him. I love him more and more each day and so does my desire to be with him O///O

Je t’aime monsiur Moo. Vous êtes le seul dont je rêve chaque nuit. Tout ce que j’ai toujours espéré. Je suis votre espoir, la foi et protecteur, pour toujours et pour toujours. Votre mine …. temps que vous le vouliez ou non (haha) Je t’aime le miel, puis plus tu ne sauras jamais.

muaha! Goodnight kitties, goodnight!

Me Me Me Me, not!!!

Well hello kitties!

I’ve decided to make a new list for you all! Even more personal info!

Thats a knee slapper huh? let’s read then…..

1. I like classical music

2. I put my friends above myself

3. I wear all sorts of weird things O.o

4. I love huskies

5. I love pugs (squishy faces)

6. I love my significant other to have long hair WOOT!

7. I love love love love love red heads (drool)

8. I love my eyes (no I’m not that self-centered)

9. I love writing for fun

10. I want to be a poet nurse

11. I love green eyes

12. I love painting my nails bright colors

13. Sometimes I feel like the darkest person in the world

14. I have bad depression

15. I love Patsy Cline

16. My personal hero is Amy Lee

17. I’m a choir freak! woohoo!

 18. I want to have four children when I get married

19. ^ I want them to ALL BE MALE!

20. I can’t wear skirts or dress, I flash people O.o

21. I love wearing heels

22. I like getting hit on sometimes

23. I will never view myself as beautiful

24. I make really weird faces if I think no one is looking O///O

25. I totally except gays and if you have an issue go away!

26. ^ I’m very bold in my beliefs

27. I look more like my father, but have my mothers temperament

28. I adore my mother more like a sister/ Best friend

29. My mother is mentally ill

30. I love leather

31. I see no harm in showing off cleavage ;D

32. I love flirting ;P

33. I don’t like talking about my past

34. I cherish ma demi souer!

35. I call a lot of people hun or honey

36. I love hearing pet names from my significant other <3

37. I love giving people pet names

38. I’ll interject if I think someone is doing something wrong

39. I defend people with my life

40. I want to help people more than anything else on this earth

41. I don’t think I’ll ever find the right man

42. I love texting people

43. ^ I prefer hearing the voice of the person

44. I tend to fall for my best friends

45. I love plushies (stuffed animals)

46. I sleep between two comforters

47. I have back issues

48. I’m highly observant of my surroundings

49. I love reading about shapeshifters

50. I believe everyone has a cold-blooded murderer inside of them

51. I wonder why people resort to child abuse

52. There is a difference between disciplining an animal and beating them

53. I love singing

54. I love taking bubble baths

55. I’m nervous for a first kiss

56. I can be really shy with someone I really like

57. I hate how I can see my friends from acquaintances

58. I hate the world

59. I think men sing a lot more from heart

60. I’ve always wanted to learn to play the violin

61. I love wearing a guys sweater

62. I love being held constantly

63. I hate very few people but dislike a lot of them

64. I get along with almost everyone

65. I laugh a lot

66. My mind is almost always in the gutter

67. I hate when people correct me in one class period over 5 times for the same thing, even though I said I don’t care.

68. I’m wondering why I’m writing this O.T

69. <—-I seriously think this gets old T.T

70. I don’t like religion

71. I call people commies allllll the time haha

72. I love the rain

73. I love being outside to watch lightning storms

74. I boil when I shower

75. I write my poem from a demonic perspective

76. I love my family to a degree

77. I’m sore almost all the time

78. <—- oh yeah! my volleyball number! retire it pros!

79. I do my physical labor then most men my dad knows, and he works at a prison

80. >3< I love this

81. and this :3 *kitty mew*

82. I do wear kitty ears to school, it’s awesome!

83. My tummy hurt right now

84. you can give me the easiest test in the world and I will flunk it!

85. Give me a lab to do and I’ll ace it! haha

86. I’m not book smart

87. I regret things all the time

88. When I moved to Pendleton and started attending PHS I never went to a single sports games 9th-12th haha

89. I call people weirdos

90. I love all types of music >3<

91. I love taking pictures

92. at this moment I’m texting someone named Gunner, he’s pretty cute he he!

93. I like older guys, not that old creepers

94. I’m tired all the time

95. I’m a night cat T.T

96. I love jelly bracelets

97. My personal teacher idol is Sensei Albright (hes mastered Japanese, french and spanish)

98. I want to master at least 5 languages

99. O.o

100. I want to inspire people to be honest and let everything about them out, doesn’t matter how messed up, be you. Give it time and you’ll understand who your meant to be around.

Thank you all for reading Always brings joy to this little kitties heart <3

love you all your great!

 Senior Prom 2011

(I’m getting cocky ignore meh)

I looked hott!!! muahaha the most cleavage there baby!!!

Ma demi seour info!

Good evening kitties!!!!!

As people we all have a person or two that we encourage and try to help along. Mine happens to be a very intelligent sophomore that lacks a small bit of experience when dealing with emotion aspects of high school. Now don’t take that wrong by any means, it just means you have more to learn from your elders.

Now, Morgan is a very very very talented writer and I’d love to see here manage a magazine or something along those lines. She’s highly talented and I’d recommend her to anyone, well—not a tattoo artist. I view Morgan as a younger sibling because she juts happened to fall under my wings. If you know me, Then you know I’ll catch you when you fall.

I do love the fact that she can match almost anything together fashion-wise and have it still look good for her body type. She can be either really depressed or really happy, but either way I can usually calm her down and help her think straight. Morgan is definitely an open book when it comes to emotions. She has an innocent I wish I had, but because I know how the world really works, it’s rather hard to not be me .

Morgan is totally someone that everyone should meet. With that I sign off kitties. Please keep in mind that I’m a rather cold hearted person and me taking a liking to someone so different then myself is rather odd. But then again if you really know me, you’d know I’m odd :3